It’s not easy being dumb. It never has been. We’re made fun of in school. We’re the butt of jokes. Prejudice has barred us from many vocations.
We in the Dumb Community have always desperately needed role models; people who, despite their unquestionably low intellectual wattage, have still managed to achieve great success. Of course, the Hollywood community has always been an inspiration to us, its members never failing to let their dumb flag fly. But you have to more than dumb to be a movie actor. You have to be good looking, too. So, for a long time now, we’ve hoped for someone who could blaze new trails; who could go where no dummy has gone before. Finally, that role model has mounted the national stage, front and center. I speak, of course, of Attorney General Eric Holder.
His recent performance before a congressional committee made every dumb person in America very proud. When asked what motivation Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, Major Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shahzad might have in common, Mr. Holder was not just puzzled, not just perplexed, he was… stumped. Mr. Smith, the representative questioning Attorney General Holder, tried to help, giving him the answer—radical Islam—straight out. But to no avail. The whole notion that these men could have been influenced by a shared religious belief was a bridge too far for Mr. Holder’s brain. I know dumb when I see it, and this, my friends, was dumb on stilts.
It now becomes obvious why Mr. Holder has taken so many seemingly strange, even nonsensical, actions during his tenure. Why he informed the Christmas Underwear Bomber, after only fifty minutes, that he had a legal right to remain silent. Why he suggested the surest way to get a conviction of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was to try him in civilian court. And why he believed New York City would be the perfect place for the trial. There are some cynical individuals who insist that Mr. Holder is simply a besotted left wing ideologue. This is slander. Can anyone seriously believe that an Attorney General of the United States would willfully misrepresent, for political purposes, a major threat to his fellow citizens? The accusation is so absurd it does not merit discussion. No, there can be only one explanation for Mr. Holder’s inability to identify radical Islam as the common link between these terrorists. Mr. Holder is just plain dumb.
Previously, the highest position to which we dumb could aspire was to become a member of Congress. That august body currently contains more members of the Dumb Community than a Barbra Streisand fundraiser. The most notable recent example being Rep. Hank Johnson who proffered (bless him) that stationing more U.S. troops on the island of Guam would cause it to capsize. Though obviously as dumb as box of rocks, Representative Johnson has still managed to convince thousands of voters to elect him to high office and, in doing so, has become a hero of every dummy in America. I am stupid, hear me roar!
But now we have a new standard bearer. I can’t tell you what pride Mr. Holder has instilled in me and in the millions of intellectually challenged Americans like me. We now know that, no matter how dim your bulb, there are no longer any barriers to advancement. (At least in government and the performing arts.)
Kudos to the Obama administration for their commitment to true diversity. Any administration can appoint individuals without regard to their race, religion or sexual preference, but it takes a truly enlightened administration to appoint a man of Mr. Holder’s intellectual limitations to one of the highest positions in the land.
It was a courageous decision and it has, no doubt, guaranteed this administration’s return to office. They’ve managed to lock up the vote of every dumb American. And, believe me, that’s a lot of votes.
Tom O’Connor is a writer in Bloomfield, Mich., who is frequently seen with a puzzled expression.