Sarah Palin, genius of the year

John Schlimm Contributor
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No, REALLY, Sarah Palin is a genius!

The fact that this puts a big smile on millions of faces out there while making millions of others want to wipe the smirk right off mine for declaring it only further confirms the magnitude of what this woman has managed to pull off. No Richter scale could even begin to register the ongoing culture shocks induced by the Hockey Mom who exploded onto the national scene nearly three years ago.

But why is Sarah Palin THE Genius of 2010?

Well, for starters, she maintained a one-step lead on all the politicos running around out there. The former half-term Alaskan governor and former vice-presidential candidate should have been relegated to a footnote in history by now, but instead once more made herself the most newsworthy figure in the country, across numerous genres of interest.

Scoff if you will, but we are witnessing the most brilliant political striptease performance in history. And, admit it or not, it’s an act that no one (not even the Palin haters) can take their eyes off of.

This 21st-century vamp is on center stage and she’s slowly peeling off one layer of designer camouflage at a time. Meanwhile, we are all on the edges of our seats just watching to see if a “Palin 2012” bumper sticker is lurking under there somewhere.

As we wait with bated breath, let’s count the top three pathways to Sarah’s triumph as Genius of the Year.

FIRST, Sarah’s tweets and Facebook posts continue to rival any official statements from the president in terms of sheer media salivating alone. The press could ignore her if they wanted to, but they don’t. We are all helpless against her wiles! Even my friends who have no interest or clue about politics know who she is.

Translation: SARAH PALIN IS THE NEW SUGAR, which as we now know triggers the same part of the brain that succumbs to cocaine and morphine.

Diagnosis: We are in for a long, one-day-at-a-time, Sweet Jesus! rehab stint on this one. A tweet here, a Facebook post there and “Pistol Palin” seduces us into tumbling right off the wagon.

Furthermore, Sarah has a slight edge here because she can make up words while the White House, and anyone else over the age of five, really can’t do that. Just try to refudiate that point. In fact, the New Oxford American Dictionary recently awarded the New York Times bestselling author the honor of “Word of the Year” for that little homemade ditty. Shakespearean, indeed!

SECOND, while Sarah wisely realized she’d risk making a fool of herself (STOP your snickering, you haters!) by hitting the dance floor, Momma Grizzly managed to still infiltrate the hottest reality show competition on the planet with a Manchurian Candidate contestant of her own. Teen mom sensation Bristol Palin not only gyrated her way to the coveted number three slot on Dancing with the Stars, leaving a trail of teary-eyed and shocked has-beens in her wake, she fulfilled her daughterly mission by further cementing the Palin brand. And now there’s talk of Todd Palin shaking his tush for DWTS.

THIRD, Sarah still added reality star to her own resume this year as the queen of the deadliest hottest Alaskan adventure show on TV. And just like the poor caribou’s life that she ended on a recent episode, this is where I can bring the argument for her deserved accolade of Genius of the Year to a logical, albeit less violent, ending.

I live in Northwestern Pennsylvania where during the airing of Sarah’s caribou bloodbath episode (not to be confused with her earlier halibut-clubbing-to-death episode) it was hunting season. Yes, I’m from the land where then-Candidate Obama observed that the people cling to their guns and religion, and, I might add, where students get off school for the first day of hunting season.

Do you know what it does to a certain likeminded segment of the population to see a beautiful woman (a.k.a. “Caribou Barbie”) clad in fatigues and full-on makeup, on her stomach in the wilds, handling a BIG gun, all while stalking and blasting away a helpless animal?

Let’s just say it’s the same effect that whips, chains, leather, and handcuffs might have on another segment of the population. (At least with whips and handcuffs no one is harmed, unless they beg for it.).

Aside from this Pubic Relations stunt hunting porn Sarah gifted her devoted base with this holiday season, she was sharp enough to know that by airing the horrific slaughter of a majestic caribou, she would incite the wrath of PETA and animal lovers everywhere. Since the majority of those in this category wouldn’t vote for her anyway should she ever run, they merely, and unknowingly, served as easy pawns in her headline-grabbing game of “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!,” which she continues to champion. The joke is once again on us!

All said and done, mission completed, she then went off on a year-ending tour to promote her latest blockbuster book and on a humanitarian mission to Haiti — with a big, glossy smile on her face!

Candidates have taken many roads to the White House. However, Sarah Palin’s 2010 strokes of genius may very well contribute to the first time in history where Pennsylvania Ave. is paved with award-winning fake words, reality show antics, and shot-clubbed-gutted-butchered carcasses.

By the way, considering we haven’t heard from Levi Johnston in a while, maybe Sarah went all caribou on his little tush too, off-camera, which would be a bonus reason for bestowing her the honor of Genius of the Year (At least no intelligent life form would have been harmed in that case).

John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator , and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

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