Hi. My name is Landon and I will be saying a few things while Jim is away this week. Please follow me on twitter – @orwellforce – to see me say more things. Here is the first thing:

Last week when Hillary Clinton unveiled her focus-grouped-within-an-inch-of-its-life twitter bio, there was a glaring omission: Coo coo pants conspiracy nut. She has been instrumental in nearly every major political conspiracy theory for the past 15 years.

Back in 1998 when it came out that her husband was doing some hardcore, Presidential-level chubby chasing, Hillary knew that it went much deeper (no pun intended). This wasn’t a simple case of an old perv doing what old pervs do, it was a vast rightwing conspiracy.

The conspiracy against her husband reached so far that even her husband was in on it. Trust no one.

A few years later, as a Senator after 9/11, she had a golden opportunity and platform to get the truth out. In 2002, on the Senate floor, she trumpeted the New York Post’s truther headline “Bush Knew” (4:45 mark).

Then (at the 5:35 mark), on the floor of the United States Senate, she actually goes into the conspiracy theory that John Ashcroft stopped flying commercial because he knew the attack was coming. This is a conspiracy theory so flimsy that even Michael Moore decided to cut it from his fat 9/11 conspiracy movie. This is trutherism reaching critical mass. She even uses the excuse that’s on page one of the conspiracy theorist manual: “I’m just asking questions”. That phrase is probably on the homepage banner of Info Wars, but I’m too lazy to check.

Flash forward to 2008, Clinton is in a heated primary battle with Barack Obama. Naturally, Mrs. Clinton assumed that Mr. Obama had a fake birth certificate, was born in Kenya, and his mother snuck him into the country to register his birth and planted fake birth announcements in local newspapers. Yes, Hillary Clinton is the mother of the birther movement. From The Telegraph’s 2011 article, Birther row began with Hillary Clinton:

An anonymous email circulated by supporters of Mrs Clinton, Mr Obama’s main rival for the party’s nomination, thrust a new allegation into the national spotlight — that he had not been born in Hawaii.

“Barack Obama’s mother was living in Kenya with his Arab-African father late in her pregnancy,” it said. “She was not allowed to travel by plane then, so Barack Obama was born there and his mother then took him to Hawaii to register his birth.” Then in August 2008 Phil Berg, an ex-deputy attorney general for Pennsylvania and a renowned conspiracy theorist, filed a lawsuit alleging that Mr Obama was ineligible to be a candidate.

Mercy.

And lets not forget her bizarre Benghazi YouTube video conspiracy theory. After our consulate in Benghazi was attacked and four Americans were killed, everybody on the ground knew immediately that it was a terrorist attack. The CIA knew during the attack that it was terrorism. However, Hillary Clinton spent weeks telling everybody that it was a spontaneous protest due to a YouTube video. She even told the families of the victims that she was going to make sure the maker of the YouTube video was arrested (he was and is still in jail). Adherents to this odd conspiracy theory have come to be known as “tubers”.

So Hillary Clinton blamed a shadowy cabal for her husband banging fat chicks, she is the world’s most famous truther, she is the mother of the birther movement, and she is a dedicated tuber. We can only hope that she is elected President, so we can finally get to the bottom of these damn chemtrails.