‘I am the worst’: A Popsicle’s mea culpa

Taylor Bigler Entertainment Editor
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I am just going to be honest here: I am the worst.

Out of all the desserts in the world — cake, pie, sorbet, Mr. Goodbar — I am just the fucking worst of them all. Hell, I’m not even in the top five of the frozen treat category, that’s how terrible I am.

But every summer, every goddamn summer, people decide that it is a great idea to bust out a box of me at a pool party or in an office break room. And every time that happens, people regret it. You know a dessert is bad when it is only brought out seasonally. (Pumpkin pie, fruit cake, holler at me.)

Not only do I melt instantly in the midsummer heat, I am really fucking sticky. I get into the spaces between your fingers and refuse to come out until at least three showers later. I’m an asshole, and for that I apologize. I just can’t help it.

You would think people had learned their lesson about me by now, but no. The only thing that could possibly be worse about a Popsicle like me is if you were to hand me to a little kid — unless, of course, your goal is to have sticky, red goo everywhere.

Dads hate me. Moms really hate me. Do you know how many white sofas I have ruined? Millions. But Jesus Christ, guess how much I bring in annually: $2 billion. Billion — with a “b.” There’s no stopping me. You know why? Kids fucking love me.

What I want to know is why people think that Popsicles are best served in the summertime. If, for some reason, you absolutely HAVE to serve me at a gathering –and God only knows why – wouldn’t it be better to serve me in the winter? Am I fucking crazy here, or is that the most logical thing you’ve ever heard? I’d like to know who decided it was a good idea to serve flavored ice on a stick in the middle of goddamn July.

There are plenty of other cold desserts that are preferable to me. I am basically just frozen fruit punch. Don’t even get me started on the purple variety of Popsicles. That shit tastes like frozen Robutussin.

So the next time you would like to have a cold dessert on a hot summer day, there are literally dozens of other options better than me.

Whatever you do, don’t buy a Popsicle. I am just the fucking worst.

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Taylor Bigler