Viral letter claims Kennedy family threatens democracy; calls Rep. Kennedy a ‘big-toothed’ dork

Scott Greer Contributor
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One brave law school graduate is fighting our country’s obsession with the Kennedy family.

The University of Virginia Law School recently selected 33-year-old freshman Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy III to speak at the school’s upcoming commencement ceremony, which prompted one anonymous, irate alum to send a letter last Sunday in defense of democracy.

The letter to UVA’s law school dean, which was first picked up by the legal blog Above the Law, argued that allowing Kennedy to speak would jeopardize the Constitution and sanction the rise of “Caesarism.”

“[A]s lawyers sworn to uphold the Constitution, we believe that the obsession with the Kennedy family undermines our nation’s democratic principles. The JFK celebrity presidency was bad enough, with royal overtones so overt it would make William and Kate blush. The Baby Boomers’ creation of the Kennedy Cult after the JFK assassination, however, is truly disturbing, as it normalized American worship of the presidential office,” the writer declared.

“The parallels with ancient Rome are eerie and frightening. Just as the plebes’ veneration of Julius Caesar after the Ides of March initiated the Roman Republic’s slide into an imperial dictatorship, the Baby Boomers’ deification of JFK after his assassination marked the beginning of the America Republic’s descent into presidential Caesarism. If history continues to repeat itself in this manner, the decline and fall of the American empire cannot be long off.”

Not only is Joe Kennedy’s selection a threat to American values, the writer also believes the Congressman is a dork with unappealing physical features, making him a “second-tier Kennedy.”

“With all due respect, sir, is this a joke? Did The Onion hack UVA Law’s homepage? Is the law school really claiming that our ‘under-40 demographic’—a demographic of which no member had yet been born during the Camelot martyrdom glory days—is going to unite itself under the representation of this dorky freckled big-toothed redheaded first-termer with the last name our grandmothers wish was theirs? While the Kennedy family may indeed represent your graying generation, this second-tier Kennedy does NOT represent ours,” the letter read.

On top of all this, Kennedy’s selection would remind UVA that it will be the eternal back-up choice to Harvard for Kennedys wishing to go to law school.

“Dean Mahoney, this invitation is an embarrassment to the law school. Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy III went to Harvard Law. We all know UVA Law cleaves to its connections to the Kennedy family, but we feel this invitation will just underscore the fact that UVA is the second choice to Harvard for the Kennedy family (we get the youngest children and the ones who cheat their way into expulsion – “honor code” our posteriors),” the angry alum continued.

“We wish UVA Law was better at promoting its graduates into the upper echelon of achievement so we would not have to rely on the charity of a dying dynasty clinging to the coattails of its one truly accomplished member while acting out its own private version of Final Destination.”

With all of this evidence presented, the writer logically concludes that the Dean, Paul G. Mahoney, should resign immediately to save the reputation of UVA’s law school.

“Dean Mahoney, this is the final straw. We ask not only that you rescind Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy III’s invitation to speak at commencement, but we also ask that you resign immediately. The sooner you aging Baby Boomers head out to pasture and take your Kennedy fetish with you, the better off this country and the law school will be.”

No word yet as to whether Mahoney has joined in the fight for democracy and rescinded Kennedy’s invitation to speak.

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