Opinion

I (Soni)Care About You — Thoughts On Ending Things With Your Electric Toothbrush

What’s that, dear? Yes, it’s a lovely restaurant, and quite busy tonight. I was quiet in the car? Didn’t mean to be. No, I’ve never taken you here before. We’ve been together just a couple of months, you know. I wanted to do this where there were lots of peop … I mean, I hear a Michelin star is in the offing. Oh, look! The sommelier is here. I’ll handle this.

We don’t need to see the wine list. She doesn’t care for red, and really bristles when I partake. I’m missing out, you say? Tell me about it. Do me a favor and tell the busboy that if the bread is seedy or grainy, don’t even bother bringing it over. We won’t touch it.

Sorry about that, honey. I didn’t tell them about us when I made the reservation. Can we forget about the wine for a moment? There’s something I need to tell you. I hate the way this sounds but here it is: we need to end this. Please know that it’s not you, it’s me. You did everything you said you would. Better than advertised, in fact. In our short time together you’ve taken me places I’ve never been before, places frankly I never even thought to go. It’s just that this is not who I am. I am not a Sonicare toothbrush man.

Let’s keep our voices down — no need to get all charged up. Do you think this is easy for me? For years all I heard was how good you’d be for me. And you were good, very good, but these past few months have been a shock to the system. Be specific? Okay, fine. You’re relentless. There, I said it. Those long sessions, twice a day and sometimes more, with your pulsating commands — not exactly what I bargained for. Top! Bottom! Front! Back! It’s a lot to take in. And those waxy ropes you want me to use, what is it again, floss? I won’t even mention that Water Pick friend of yours who always wants in on the action. Surely you understand how intimidating all of this is, at least for a guy not from Stuttgart. Goodness, look at you! Let’s try to keep it together, our waiter is here.

Wow, that Atlantic cod sounds absolutely ambrosial. But that citrus sauce you described is a deal-breaker. Way too harsh on the enamel.  You don’t happen to have any warm hummus and soft pita, do you? Because I can eat that. But that’s about it.

Where were we? Ah yes, my Victorian sensibilities. That’s not fair, I’m not judging you. And don’t act like this is a total surprise. I told you about how I was before I met you. A different one every night. Tall, short, every color in the rainbow, I loved them all. On the road sometimes I would ask the hotel bellboy just to send up any one he chose. So this isn’t about judgment. It’s about the two of us finding ourselves on very different journeys.

What I need in my life right now is uncomplicated. And that’s exactly what my old toothbrushes were. If I took them with me on a trip, they were happy. If they didn’t make it into the dopp kit, no hard feelings. They certainly didn’t expect a two minute command performance every time. It’s water under the bridge now, but you’d probably have gotten on better with the other brushes if you’d made even the slightest effort. Instead, when we weren’t together you always went home. What was it, you needed to recharge? Sounds like New Age nonsense to me. And that ridiculous hat you wore when resting didn’t exactly endear you to the others. This is oral hygiene, not medieval falconry. Get over yourself.

Speaking of, you’ll get over me. This will help you establish your own identity. I’m telling you, in two weeks you will be thanking me. Now that was uncalled for. Breaking up in a restaurant was the gentlemanly thing to do. I’m sure plenty of other fellas would simply have shipped you back with the warranty.

Coffee already? None for us, thanks. Haven’t got time for the stains. No dessert, either. I’m sure it’s great, but that’s just way too much sugar for the ol’ choppers. Just the check, please. Oh, I haven’t ordered anything? Well, this is awkward. I feel I owe you for having tied up such a choice table.

Can I interest you in a gently used Sonicare toothbrush?