Washington Gadfly

2016 Predictions Even Though Speculation Is Not Journalism

Evan Gahr Investigative Journalist
Font Size:

Trained by a brilliant but unheralded “newspaper man” shortly before the internet perverted journalism, the author of this column was instructed to never write or say anything that he did not know for sure.

Journalists who go on television and predict outcomes of primaries or elections are really annoying. Remember when everybody said the 2008 general election would be Rudy vs. Hillary?

So with the caveat that speculation is not journalism, here are some predictions for 2016.

Washington Post media blogger Erik Wemple will continue to not defend his lovely wife, Mother Jones writer Stephanie Mencimer, when she is unmercifully called a human pooper scooper.

Mencimer, who recently tweeted about her co-worker’s report that ground beef contains fecal matter, will throw a hamburger at one of her neighbors.

Wemple will be offered a job as editor of a news website start-up because of his impressive work driving TBD.com into the ground.

Wemple will confuse yet another prominent black woman for a white woman.

Speaking of which, Breitbart.com will uncover additional work that Attorney General Loretta Lynch did as one of the Clinton defense lawyers.

This is really incriminating because the attorney general is always a non-political selection. For example, Ed Meese as a political science professor before Reagan appointed him AG.

Oh, wait, no. He was actually White House chief of staff.

Busted for hawking Shyster loans and false pain remedies, Montel Williams will follow the lead of Herman Cain and try to sell bogus erection medicine to desperate men.

Millions of Americans will continue to have trouble remembering the brilliant question Ed Schultz asked Barack Obama at his first presidential press conference, which for some strange reason only MSNBC president Phil Griffin heard.

Washington Post reporter Wesley Lowery will continue to deem racist anybody who uses the term “affirmative action hire.” Because, after all, the liberal paradigm is that blacks should get special preferences in hiring, but anybody who points out that they are beneficiaries of the preference is a racist.

Lowery will also call the Daily Caller a den of bigotry because there were no blacks at the website’s Christmas party this year.

But Tucker Carlson, who cherishes diversity, and got really frightened in January when Al Sharpton threatened to send a diversity survey to the Daily Caller, will solve the problem for the 2016 Christmas party by inviting all the dozens of older blacks that the Washington Post fired and replaced with younger cheaper whites—with no objection from Lowery.

Washington Post race discrimination plaintiff Dave DeJesus, who got schlonged by a biased federal judge this year, will get the summary judgment decision for WaPo reversed. And the case will proceed to trial.

Of course, thanks to David Brock, everybody knows that mentioning a black man and “shlong” in the same sentence is racist; the above prediction will therefore be called a racist dog whistle.

Speaking of dog whistles, two black families will move into the overwhelmingly white Chevy Chase neighborhood of Chris Matthews, pushing the black percentage of the total population to just over 3.68%.

Everybody on the “Hardball” set will scurry to sit a safe distance from Chris Matthews.

I will continue to wear a tie to the office every day and not be stupid enough to try to dress young and hip because everybody else at the Daily Caller, with the exception of Old Man Carlson, seems, on average, 18 years younger than me.

Military Religious Freedom Foundation president Mikey Weinstein will answer all my pointed and potentially embarrassing questions about his organization, unlike WaPo executive editor Marty Baron, Buzzfeed editor Ben Smith, and Wemple who all hang up in the face of similar inquiries.

Breitbart will try to hire me away from the Daily Caller, but I will decline the job offer, no matter how much of Donald Trump’s money they offer me.

Breitbart will hire Bloomberg scribe Josh Green as chief publicist because of the fawning and deceitful piece he wrote about them in October 2015.

Green will get back pay for the article.

Reduced to running a two man super PAC out of a UPS store because of the Daily Caller exclusive coverage of his disastrous breach of partnership lawsuit, Ed Schultz will get a total of $403 in donations, barely enough to cover the cost of renting his UPS mail box for the year.