When asked what one book he would want to have if stranded on a desert island, G.K. Chesterton famously replied “Thomas’ Guide to Practical Shipbuilding.” It’s his wit and wisdom that I hope to channel here in giving you something that is literally nothing if not practical advice. And you’ve probably gathered by now that it’s something I’m known for, practical wisdom. While you’d never know it from those revisionist historians over at VH-1’s Behind The Music, I’m the one who told The Dave Clark Five they could either keep their name or they could remain a quartet: they couldn’t do both.
Nor am I doing this for the money. Desperately lost twenty-some years ago on a road trip out west with Dionne Warwick, she must have heard me ask a hundred different people Do You Know The Way to San Jose? But you don’t see me claiming her for royalties, do you? Of course you don’t, because that’s not who I am. I’m not even going to mention the fifty or so Filet-O-Fishes she threw back on that trip, apparently hungrier than a pelican coming off a juice cleanse. Let’s just say that those sandwiches didn’t pay for themselves. That’s What Friends Are For, my a**.
No, mostly I’m doing this for you, my loyal reader. For recently I’ve recently received the following feedback: “love the stories, Mike – most of them, anyway – but what I really could use is guidance on massages to avoid. Not masseurs, which you’ve previously addressed, and not just in airports, which you’ve also covered, but anywhere. Also, you need to update your picture. The estate of Ludwig Van Beethoven called; it wants its look back.”
I haven’t had time to do much about the picture, but here is the list that so many of you requested. You’re welcome.
- Dances With Eucalyptus
- Hot, Pelted Rocks
- Man, I Love Your Feet
- The Safety Word Is Bruschetta
- Chattanooga Choke-Out
- Pregnancy Massage, Just Not How You Think
- Dangerously Hot Towels
- The Bavarian Can Slap
- Deemed Consent
- 44 Long Only
- Gassy Greg’s Involuntary Aromatherapy Massage
- The Denver Depilator
- Ye Olde Beat-Downe (Available Only in Williamsburg, Virginia)
- We’ve Got Tonight
- Over? I Decide When It’s Over
- We’re Trending!
- Let’s Get You Naked
- Steel Wool Sam and His Searching, Scouring Hands
- No Holds Barred
- You’re In My World Now
- Tourette Treatment
- Prison Rules
- Cold Hands, Depraved Heart
- What Just Happened?
- Ends With A Roundhouse
- All Of Me
- Extremely Hot Oil Massage
- Silent Scream
- Naked And Afraid
- Say It With Slaps
- Frontier Justice
- It Might Get Weird
- Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter
- There Will Be Blood
- Strangers No More
- The Camera Loves You!
- Your Tears Are My Massage Oil
- Deep Used-Tissue Massage
- The Sausalito Spatula
- No Stone Unturned (Not Available In Utah)
- These Boots Are Made For Walking
- Something To Cry About
- STFU
- Edward Scissorhands
- Silence Is Consent, And Keep Your Trap Shut
- Enter The Octagon
- Let’s Do This
- The Opposite Of A Saturday Evening Post Cover
- The Hobo Scrub
- Happy Ending
- Unhappy Ending