I’ve found myself doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion I can realistically produce a son who wins the Heisman Trophy.
This past weekend, I had some minor testing done. It proved what I’ve always known about my genetics and DNA. See, I come from a long line of freak athletes.
Despite the fact I used to be fat as all hell, I knew that I could get back into shape very quickly if I just cut out the soda and large pizzas on a regular basis. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)
Lots of people refuse to believe that I used to be fat. These days, I resemble a solid dual-threat quarterback or young Matthew McConaughey.
Since it’s important to poke fun at yourself and laugh, here are a few photos to prove that I used to be hefty. pic.twitter.com/xkyyOGevev
— David Hookstead (@dhookstead) May 11, 2020
The testing this weekend only proved this to be a fact. I have 9.4% body fat (despite the fact I haven’t worked out since I was hospitalized), my dad naturally has five percent body fat, I’m over six feet tall, I have several college athletes in my family and there are also a bunch of elite-level coaches in the mix. On top of that, my caloric burn rate for simply existing is 1,700. That means I would burn that many calories even if I sat in a chair all day and didn’t move.
To put it in the simplest terms possible, I have the rarest of DNA you’ll find just walking around the world. I also have crystal-blue eyes, but that’s a subject for another time.
So, what goes into the perfect Heisman quarterback? In the modern college game, you need a guy capable of making plays with his legs and arm.
I am more convinced than ever before that, with my genetics (9.4% body fat without making any effort of any kind), I could produce a freak-of-nature son if I have a child with a moderately athletic woman.
She doesn’t need to be an Olympian, but she needs to be athletic. I’m man enough to admit I probably can’t produce an NFL son with a lazy, out-of-shape woman.
A great, athletic woman? Yeah, all bets are off at that point.
Let’s just think about it for a second. I have freak-of-nature genetics/DNA, I have a great brain, I’m competitive at a level rarely seen on this planet and my football IQ is off of the charts.
All I need is a little help from the woman, and science will take care of the rest.
You put my brain and football IQ in the body of someone who can run a sub-4.5 40, and it’s game over. That’s the kind of quarterback who gets DCs fired.
You might hate me. That’s okay. Winning creates enemies, but you can’t argue with the science. The science says my sons would almost certainly turn into star athletes.
Again, I sat on my fat butt for years chugging Mountain Dew and eating garbage around the clock. I stopped that and was down to 9.4% body fat in no time. My dad is at five percent! The DNA doesn’t lie!
Now, it’s all about finding that woman to fuse DNA with and produce a trio of sons who win Super Bowls. At the very least, Wisconsin should be stacked at quarterback from 2040 through 2050.
Hit the music, and let’s get to work!
