The doughy, limp-wristed bureaucrats never stood a chance against real American Patriots.
In a riveting display of athletic prowess Tuesday night, the Daily Caller softball team vaporized the Department of Commerce “Dumpers” 15-12, clinching the league championship after months of hard-fought battles against the pasty nerds of Washington, D.C. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)
The tight scoreline suggests a nail-biter. But the Patriots were always in control, through every inning. God was on their side.
As a freelance sports writer for The Quebec Today Sports Weekly, I have covered some beautiful athletic feats, including John Daly’s warm up routine and Donald Trump’s take down of Vince McMahon. I even compiled an oral history of Little Red and Handsome Dan, two of Michael Vick’s dogs, that drew the ire of PETA.
Yet nothing comes close to this Daily Caller triumph Tuesday. Not even Roger Clemens overcoming six perjury charges back in 2012, or Tom Brady letting go of his supermodel wife for the love of the game. (RELATED: Tom Brady’s Divorce Proves Once And For All Why He’s The GOAT)
Dingers were hit, darts were smoked, ice cold domestics were slugged. It was a night for America, not the husky swamp cretins sucking up wind and taxpayer dollars.
Admittedly, sources tell me that several Daily Caller players corked their bats. The pitcher allegedly coated his hand with some good ol’ pine tar. The first baseman juiced up on beaver tranquilizer before the fifth inning, according to sources.
To those allegations, I say, “Good.” America is back. The Daily Caller softball team is back. And they’re winning.