Dear Kay: You’re British. What’s All This Stress Over King Charles?

(Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)

Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
Font Size:

Dear Kay, as an American, I assumed everyone in Great Britain was a huge fan of the royal family. Why are so many people losing their minds about King Charles III’s coronation on Saturday? — Sincerely, Confused American.

Dear Confused American,

Firstly, I’m Welsh. And you are definitely confused AF about how Brits feel about the Royals. Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely loved Queen Elizabeth II. Sure, she did some weird stuff (see “The Crown” for more info), but King Charles has never been particularly popular amongst my old countrymen.

Everyone hoped our next King would be Prince William. It sounds dark, but no one wanted Charles to be our next monarch. He’s a cringe, lanky, out-of-touch weirdo who does not represent the commonwealth well at all. Everyone hoped that he would either abdicate or die so Prince William and his wonderful wife, Kate Middleton, would ascend to the throne. At least they kinda “get the vibe” of Britain these days.


View this post on Instagram


A post shared by The Tab (@thetab_)

Charles is spending our money on his coronation while our family members freeze in their homes. A social media post from my former tabloid alma mater The Tab put it simply when they wrote, “Because an old white man covered in gold medals, riding in a gold carriage feels like a piss take right now.”

One in five people in Britain is living in poverty right now. There are literally more food banks than McDonalds. Spending more than $100 million of OUR MONEY on some fancy old w*nker’s party isn’t something anyone should ethically or morally support.

Camilla is the worst, and she will never be our Queen. If you have enough time to hate Meghan Markle for no reason, then you should have enough energy to be disgusted by Camilla Parker-Bowles. This hideous wench wore white to Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding (our real Queen) and is colloquially thought to be the reason that Diana was killed.

@alexjheath The Coronation: picking out the most irrelevant bits 🌞 #coronation #monarchy #uk #uknews #ukhistory #history #thequeen #theking ♬ original sound – Alex J Heath

I’m Welsh, so f**k the Royal Family. They’re a bunch of taxpayer-funded inbreds. Welsh people don’t even realize that our culture was once completely built around our relationship with the natural world. We were leaders, warriors, Druids, intellectuals, in touch with the magic that makes up hundreds of thousands of years of our ancestry. (RELATED: Prince Harry Reportedly Says Drugs Helped Him Find ‘The Truth’)

In less than 2000 years, the Romans, Germans and French all invaded our island nation and colonized the part we call England. These invaders committed a stealth genocide against the ancient Welsh culture and eventually gave us the Royal Family.

It is disgusting watching people indulge this stuff. But it’s all good. I moved to America ages ago, and this place did the clever thing and got rid of the Royals. So, while I have strong feelings, I ultimately don’t really care. I’m not a fan. Stop asking me about them.