Is This The Greatest Obituary Of All Time? Probably


Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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If you’ve had a day like me (half of it spent at the DMV), then you need a pick-me-up. And boy, do I have one for you. Though, it doesn’t start quite how you’d think.

We begin our tale with the premature death of James Loveless of Kentucky. Loveless was born in 1963, and up and died on June 14 to “avoid another Presidential stolen-election mishap,” according to his obituary, which has gone viral online.

Loveless, who resided in a trailer park, was father to twin boys, Rocky and Rodney. Rocky was Loveless’ second favorite son, with Rodney taking the crowning role of favorite. It’s unclear why their father preferred Rodney, but my best guess is because Rocky decided to leave Kentucky and live all the way in Arizona. And the only thing you can depend on Arizona for is more stolen elections, right? Maybe? Probably not, but that’s what mattered to Loveless, so it matters here. (RELATED: Wait, Who TF Does This Guy Think He Is?)

Loveless seemed like the local Julian or Ricky of his trailer park (Trailer Park Boys fans will understand this reference, and you’re a loser if you’re not a fan). He was a chef, loved his beers, and his family. But he loved nothing more than “ice-cold Busch, room-temperature Busch, T-bones, New York strip, prime rib, shrimp, swimming, poker, hatch-back Mustang GTs, tank-tops, Kentucky Men’s basketball, and his personal copy of Eddie Murphy’s Raw.” (RELATED: Oklahoma Department Of Wildlife Conservation Roasts Citizens For Being Scared Of Geese)

“We don’t know if he was married, but he definitely was a lady’s man. There was Kathy, Mary Lou, Tammy, Debra, Carrie, Tina, etc., etc. ‘It’s the bones’, he told us as proudly pointed his skinny, pasty-white legs. ‘Women love a good shin’. We think he might even have some females waiting for him on the other side,” the obituary authors wrote. Loveless will be “moderately” missed.

I have no idea whether this obituary is real or not. But I had a really long morning, so I’d like to keep telling myself that it is completely, legitimately real. Please don’t ruin this for me if you find out otherwise.