Dear America,
Happy birthday, you courageous old bastard, you. There’s not a tougher, smarter, meaner or more beautiful chunk of land touching two oceans than the God-blessed U-S-of-A.
When we decided to put a boot up King George’s ass, we changed the world, and by fighting for our own rights we taught others to do the same. Every country — whether they’ll admit it or not — sees America as the pinnacle of freedom and progress that no empire has ever built before. To maintain those core tenets of liberty, we’ve had to kick a few teeth in along the way.
We put Hitler in a chokehold, drank Stalin under the table, swatted kamikaze planes like they were gnats and picked Charlie out of trees like Georgia peaches. The world should be counting its lucky stars some good ol’ boys from every nook and cranny, from fields of wheat and concrete, decided to buck up and blow some lead kisses in the direction of the enemies of freedom, decency and goodness.
The work’s not done yet, but today isn’t the day to fret over spilled communism.
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Today, we real American patriots are celebrating you, the Red, White and Blue, with as much gusto and chutzpah as the founders who dumped tea in water, crossed icy rivers and put holes in red coats. Because if God-fearing Americans won’t, then nobody else will — and that’s not an option for the greatest country in the solar system.
Now, America, we know you’ve been a little sick recently … maybe it’s all the Bud Light (or the socialists in Congress), but let’s not worry about that today. (RELATED: EXCLUSIVE: SOURCE: Top Anheuser-Busch Marketing Executives Responsible For Boycott Are No Longer Employed)
Today is the reset. The day we find our American values again.
Where else in the world can you fire an AR-15, drink a cold beer and complain about inequality all in the same day, without the repercussions of a fascist government dropping the hammer on your existence at any given time?
So, on the best birthday of the year, it’s time for America to kick up its feet and drink a Yuengling beside the pool.
Tomorrow, we are back to saving our children from woke socialist ideology, but today, we are basking in the light of old glory, because if we can’t teach our kids how to love America now, how can we hope for them to love it then?
It’s better to be red than dead, but the whole world would be blue without you.
Love,
A truly blessed American