We Needed To Correct Variety’s Hilariously Bad List Of Potential James Bonds

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Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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Variety published their list of potential James Bond actors in August, and we decided to correct it because it was just that bad.

Variety’s list of prospective 007s was clearly written by a bunch of American women, who aren’t allowed to have opinions on future Bonds anymore. Their choices were just that bad. This is exclusively British lady territory (and all men, obviously), so let me help y’all.

Firstly, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Henry Cavill, Joe Alwyn? Seriously, Variety? No. These aren’t even Bond movie-worthy, let alone Bond worthy.

Richard Madden could work, but he’s still a little too soft, just like Andrew Garfield. James Norton is another alright choice, though I think he’d do better as a Bond villain. He’s got that vibe nailed. The same goes for Tom Hardy, who is also too much of a thug. Bond is a gentleman.

Here’s the legit Bond list from the Daily Caller.

Up first is Cillian Murphy (“Oppenheimer”). Why? Because he’s better than all other actors, ever. He does have more of a Bond villain vibe, but we’re sure he could make the lead role work.

Though he was also on Variety’s list, Jamie Dornan (“Fifty Shades Of Grey”) has the right level of rough, suave, and gorgeousness we need from Bond. He could be a great choice.

Will Poulter (“We’re The Millers”) is another good choice, but might be way too young for the role. Give him a decade, and he’ll be absolutely perfect. Dev Patel (“Slumdog Millionaire”) might also be too young right now for Bond. In five-10 years, Patel would be my #1 choice.

Idris Elba (“The Office”) is the obvious choice. He might have aged out of the role at this point. And while some people freak out at the idea of a black guy being Bond, that’s just something you’ve gotta get over. Elba is already the Bond inside all of our hearts, so why not put him on the screen.

And while I don’t love the idea of a female 007, up-and-coming star Rosie Sheehy (“Chernobyl,” “A Violent Man”) is my only choice for Jane Bond (or whatever they call her). All you have to do is read reviews of Sheehy’s stage work with the Royal Shakespeare Company to know she deserves a major role in whatever Bond movie comes next. Maybe even the lead!

My gut say the next Bond could easily be Daryl McCormack, Alfred Enoch, John Boyega or even Nicholas Hoult. If it ends up being Jacob Elordi, I’ll call the police. (RELATED: Make ‘The Daily Show’ Great Again: Our Top Picks To Replace Trevor Noah)

But more than all of the above, someone please give Matt Berry‘s publicist a bunch of flowers. He had absolutely no right to be on Variety’s list of prospective Bonds, but there he was. That’s some top class management right there.