It’s Your Patriotic Duty To Start A Fight At Thanksgiving This Year

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Gage Klipper Commentary & Analysis Writer
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Over the last several years, a new trend has emerged. Each Thanksgiving prompts a slew of left-wing think pieces dedicated to exploring the dread of spending holidays with conservative family members. The conservative disposition dictates that we put politics aside for the day and come together around our shared gratitude for the things that matter most. But conservatives overlook that there is very little common ground left to stand on. Enough is enough — it’s time to put your vegan nephew and your purple-haired niece in their place.

“How to avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving?” asks USA Today. Consider a “NO MAGA ALLOWED” sign at the dinner table. The Guardian offers advice for liberals who believe Trump hatred is a “point of universal agreement” but are shocked to find that “ol’ Uncle Ernie, with his aluminum foil hat, may feel differently!” The Atlantic posits a strategy not only for talking about Trump, but for championing “the truth,” itself. Saturday Night Live’s recurring “Drunk Uncle” bit portrays a respectable liberal’s attempt at reasoning with his comedically ignorant relative.

While there’s no shortage of guides for liberals to survive their dangerously unhinged family members, the advice around so-called Republican authoritarianism takes on a few common themes.

For starters, it is a chore for these dutiful liberals to spend time with their families. Once viewed with resignation, Republican extremism is increasingly breaking the bonds of obligation. Second, this is the fault of conservatives alone. Liberals have not become more intransigent or radical. Rather, it is conservatives, who by existing, create the division that prevents everyone else from having a pleasant, uneventful thanksgiving. Lastly, this is no matter of opinion; there is no option to agree to disagree. Your liberal family members combat your lies with “the truth” in a battle between good and evil. (RELATED: Your Thanksgiving Menu Is The Perfect Metaphor For Biden’s America)

It’s no surprise that your liberal family members feel this way. All of America’s power centers spent the past several years not only affirming, but actively fomenting their spiteful views. The corporate media worked in lockstep to paint Trump as a hateful bigot, a regressive demagogue leading us to certain catastrophe. Corporate America, celebrities, tech giants — all enforced new norms of public life based on left-wing precepts.

Liberals moved farther left, re-classifying fringe radicalism as moderate centrism. Anyone who resisted, clinging to a sense of normalcy from only several years ago, was deemed unwelcome in polite society. Effectively, the state-approved position became that liberals are better people than their Republican relatives.

As such, your liberal family members feel they have the moral high ground. Meanwhile, conservatives have largely internalized their social status in this brave new world.  Just as liberals embrace being the good guys, conservatives too often accept their prescribed role as villains, choosing to stay silent rather than endure vicious slurs to their character.

Freed from their repressive hometowns, millions of young cosmopolitan liberals will soon return home, proudly wearing a distinct set of morals on their sleeves, feeling it is beneath them to share an annual meal with their once-beloved family. It would be wrong for conservatives to indulge their delusions.

This Thanksgiving, flip the “social shame system.” If you know from past experience that your liberal family member is coming ready to fight, launch a preemptive strike. Put them on the defensive. Make them feel ashamed to believe what they do. Find the confidence to impugn their morality with the same sense of entitlement they feel towards you. Talk casually of their worst views as the freakish perversions that they are — as if no one of sound mind and good conscience could possibly disagree. Be crass, be arrogant, be wholly unrestrained.

There’s more to be gained than a simply vengeful schadenfreude. The type of liberal who comes ready to fight at Thanksgiving is the type who is likely never exposed to contradictory views. They live on a diet of MSNBC and the social acceptance of their liberal peers, and will never hear your arguments outside the Thanksgiving dinner table. You might even change their minds. 

Either way, it is important to demonstrate that you will not just roll over easily. Combat liberal sanctimony with concrete faith in your own moral character. Only through a mutually assured destruction will liberals ever allow the country back to a place where we can truly agree to disagree. (RELATED: America Needs More Drunk MAGA Uncles Who Fire Off Racy Jokes On Thanksgiving)

This advice might come as a shock to many conservatives. It goes against every fiber of our being to pick a fight; not everything has to be about politics. But it’s the left that made everything political. If we don’t respond in kind, we resign ourselves to forever play the role of villain. There will be precious little left to conserve if uppity young liberals are allowed to maintain the power that comes with the moral high ground.

So if you’re this, reading maybe you’re a little drunk — have another glass of eggnog and take a stab at explaining how gay marriage ruined America.