Nicole Kidman revealed she struggled to find true happiness while married to Tom Cruise.
She spoke candidly about the low points in her marriage with author Dave Karger in his new book “50 Oscar Nights,” on sale January 23. Kidman explained she won her first Oscar just after finalizing her divorce from Cruise.
“I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well,” she informed Karger, according to his book, People reported. “That’s what happens, right?”
Nominee for Best Actor Tom Cruise, accompanied by his wife Nicole Kidman, waves to fans as he arrives at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, 24 March, for the 69th Academy Awards ceremony. Cruise is nominated for his role in “Jerry Maguire.” AFP PHOTO/Vince BUCCI (Photo credit should read VINCE BUCCI/AFP/GettyImages)
Kidman was at the height of her career when she took home the Oscar for performing as Virginia Woolf in “The Hours” in 2003, but she felt something critical was missing from her life.
“I went… I need a love in my life,” she said in the book, People reported.
Walking away from her high-profile, 11-year marriage proved to be a difficult time for the star, the book said, according to the outlet.
Kidman recalled nearly breaking down on stage, before she was able to compose herself long enough to complete her speech, according to the book. The actress should have felt she was on top of the world, but instead, all she wanted to do was go home, the book said, People reported.
“I’m not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party, and everyone was like, ‘You’ve got to go. You’ve got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award,’” she said in the book, according to People.
WESTWOOD, : Actor Tom Cruise(L) and his wife, actress Nicole Kidman(R) arrive for the world premiere of their latest film “Eyes Wide Shut” 13 July 1999 in Westwood, Ca. The controversial film about sexual obsession was directed by the late Stanley Kubrick, who died shortly after the film was completed. AFP PHOTO Vince BUCCI (Photo credit should read Vince Bucci/AFP via Getty Images)
“I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn’t feel humble.’ Like, what? You can’t walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They’re like, ‘That’s what you do,’” she explained in “50 Oscar Nights,” the outlet reported
She made her way to the party for a short time, displaying her Oscar, but admits now that it wasn’t the experience it should have been, the book revealed.
“So I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn’t enjoy it. I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more,” she said, according to the book, People reported.
WESTWOOD, : Cast members of “Eyes Wide Shut” Sydney Pollack(L), Nicole Kidman(C) and her husband, actor Tom Cruise(R) arrive for the world premiere of the movie in Westwood, CA 13 July 1999. The three actors star in the controversial film about sexual obsession which was directed by the late director Stanley Kubrick. AFP PHOTO Vince BUCCI (Photo credit should read Vince Bucci/AFP via Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV – APRIL 03: Actress Nicole Kidman and singer Keith Urban arrive at the 46th Annual Academy Of Country Music Awards RAM Red Carpet held at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on April 3, 2011 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)
What happened next was far removed from the glitz and the glamor, and what fans would expect from an A-lister that sat on top of her game.
“I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel,” Kidman recalled in the book, according to the outlet.
“I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours,'” she said in the book, according to People. (RELATED: ‘I Really Was Kind Of Alone’: Jennifer Aniston Gets Candid About Her Relationship Struggles)
“I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I’m telling you, I’d be out for 24 hours,” she recalled in the book, the outlet reported.
Kidman began dating country music star Keith Urban two years later — they remain happily married at this time.