We finally have an administration that believes that not being a citizen of this county should in no way preclude you from enjoying all the rights and privileges of an actual American citizen.
At long last, even non-citizens can rest easy in the knowledge that no matter how explosively they attempt to express their religious and/or political views, the American legal system will be there for them. Take the case of the Underwear Bomber. Had our Justice Department not stepped in promptly, he would have been forced to answer pointed questions for more than a full hour in a room that may not even have been air-conditioned. Inhuman.
But what of the thousands of non-citizens currently expressing their religious and/or political views upon Americans beyond the territorial boundaries of the United States? Don’t they deserve legal protection too? Our courts, in their wisdom, have addressed this problem as well. A non-uniformed combatant apprehended in a remote region of Iraq or taken onto custody in an isolated province of Afghanistan is now entitled to the benefit of the best in American legal counsel.
But what good is the right to counsel if no qualified counsel is available to answer the call?
Enter the Battlefield Defense Attorney (BDA). The few. The proud. The brief-cased.
BDAs will need skills far beyond those normally required to pass the bar exam. They will have to posses an unwavering dedication to the rights of non-uniformed combatants, no matter where they are resisting American imperialism. They will also have to possess a degree of fearlessness and an aptitude for combat that would put a celebrity divorce attorney to shame.
Running around active battlefields carrying mounds of paperwork will require extraordinary physical conditioning. To prepare themselves, aspiring BDAs are breaking out their old squash rackets, enrolling in spin classes and attending classes in aerobically-demanding Ashtanga yoga.
Courses such as Ducking 101 and Field Dressing Shrapnel Wounds for Attorneys will soon be added to the curriculum of the nation’s most prestigious law schools.
Prospective BDAs are studying the culture and languages of the region so they will be able to dash off useful phrases such as “Can you describe the Navy Seal who assaulted you?” and “My Range Rover has broken down, can you direct me to the nearest authorized dealer?” in perfect Urdu, Pashtu or Arabic.
And this new breed of lawyer will have much to offer their non-uniformed combatant clients. They will be bringing with them not only the best of American legal training, but also all the innovative thinking of modern American marketing. Mules with impactful four-color billboards will soon be spreading out across the Hindu Kush bringing the good news of affordable legal representation to insurgents, even to those residing in the most remote caves.
As I write, the first cohort of this intrepid new breed of lawyers is stuffing Brooks Brothers bulletproof vests and tasseled combat loafers into monogrammed duffle bags. Look for them soon in a theatre of overseas contingency operations not that near you. For now.
Tom O’Connor, a writer in Bloomfield, Mich., is currently taking spin classes and contemplating applying to law school.
