Dear Michaele Salahi,
I’ve heard of ballsy broads before, but you take the cake.
Ok, ok, we all get it. You want to be famous. The good news is you’re over two-thirds of the way there. You cinched infamous (you better look up the definition before you get too excited) the minute you waltzed through those White House gates, red sari a blazin’. But how to go about losing those first two pesky little letters, that is the big question.
Well, here’s what you SHOULD NOT DO if you want to be famous:
For starters, do not go on The View and start a fight with Whoopi Goldberg (aka, iconic superstar) and then later claim on the Today Show that it was all her fault (because no one in their right mind thinks it was). Just be grateful you got on and stick to the BRAVO talking points. Other Z-Listers would give their right arm, a kidney, and their first born for that honor. But it’s too late, because you already did all this last week. STRIKE ONE.
Second, when people ask for the nitty-gritty details of what happened when you allegedly crashed the Obamas’ first White House State Dinner, do not tell them they’ll have to wait and read it in the forthcoming book, Cirque Du Salahi by Diane Dimond, out in September (There, I gave you a plug – But only because the title is clever. You’re welcome! Let me ask you this: Why didn’t you just write it yourself? It’s called a ghostwriter and it would have been much more impressive.).
Anyway, back to you trying to force everyone to pay for the pleasure of reading the details of your wild night on Penn. Ave. That only makes people angry; and the fact you have a forthcoming book (and now a reality show) at all only confirms what people thought about you in the first place. But you did all this already too, so STRIKE TWO.
Third, quit taking your husband to interviews and events with you. He’s only making matters worse (i.e., reportedly fueling the Whoopi incident backstage, and what’s this about him throwing red wine at your Real Housewives of D.C. co-star, Lynda, ruining her Zac Posen suit? Shame on him! Doesn’t he know she’s your only real competition for attention on the show?).
BTW, you can do so much better than old what’s his face! You’re a beautiful, stylish, smart woman in a city brimming with the most eligible power bachelors on the planet, and they’ll totally dig your deep, firm voice.
Now the quick and skinny on what you SHOULD DO to become famous:
One. Be a little nicer to your Real Housewives of D.C. co-stars. Based on every interview I’ve seen so far with all of you, if (their) looks could kill, you’d be single-handedly funding the mortuary industry. This, too, only makes other people (aka, the audience whom you desperately need to watch your show, buy your book, etc.) not like you either.
Two. I know you think you have the blueprint for reality stardom down pat, but you don’t. Two words: Bethenny Frankel (aka, New York Times Best Selling Author, Skinnygirl™ business mogul, Real Housewives legend, A-List Fame Whore). You’re only a Freshman in this biz, so study and learn from the master.
Three. I cannot emphasize this enough: DITCH YOUR HUSBAND (unless you don’t have a prenup, because he appears to play dirty) before he becomes your STRIKE THREE!
Having said all that, I know you probably won’t believe this, but I think I might actually like you (please don’t tell anyone else though, because it’s a little embarrassing.). You’re quickly becoming my reality kryptonite: I tried to resist you; I have been determined not to like you for months now; I even fought these feelings with every ounce of dignity I have. Alas, my efforts have been in vein (However, I still won’t buy your book and I still haven’t hit the “LIKE” button on your Facebook Page – That’s my way of playing hard to get.).
Peace & Love (and HUGS ~ xo),
P.S. Nancy Reagan Red is most definitely your color so keep wearing it, and the next time someone calls you anorexic, simply tell them, “Nothing tastes as good as…POWER feels!”
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards). Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm.