Dear Christine O’Donnell,
I’ve only known you for like a week, so let me get this baggage straight:
(Allegedly . . .)
You used campaign funds as your personal piggy bank to pay your rent.
You were sued by your alma mater for stiffing them on tuition.
You are against . . . ummm . . . self-gratification.
You were fired from various jobs, and then sued your former employers.
You lied about taking grad classes at Princeton.
You were called a “criminal” by a watchdog group.
You have bouts of paranoia, thinking people are hiding in bushes stalking you.
(And this is all just for starters.)
YET…You somehow managed to topple Delaware legend Mike Castle in your umpteenth attempt to get to the Senate.
Oh yeah, AND you once “dabbled” in Tea Party politics witchcraft, including “a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar”!
(~Breathe in, breathe out~)
OMG, you are soooo custom-made for 21st-Century superstardom!
I’m practically salivating at the frenzied spell torrent you’re unleashing on the state of celebrity in America. Move over Heidi and Spencer (for real this time — No, really, GET GONE!); Kate Gosselin — WHO?; and Snooki, you’re no longer the hottest enchantress with a bump in your swagger. There’s a new Fame Whore in town, and she’s rewriting the rules.
Okay, Chrissy, now that you’ve finally (after years and years and years of trying) got everyone’s attention, you need to carefully plan for your future. You’ll ride your Little Engine that Could-nice-girl-next-door charm all the way to November 2nd for sure, but what if you actually win? THEN WHAT?! It’s going to take a little more than an eye of newt brew luck to get you to the next phase of your career.
But fear not, that’s what I’m here for, so wands down listen closely.
By winning Vice President Biden’s long-held former Senate seat on Election Day, you will officially become the Scott Brown of Delaware and an instant political icon. You’ll finally have a steady income (You’ll love that!), a six-year contract with America, and a coven staff to do whatever it is you’re supposed to do as a senator, so no worries there. (BTW, Chrissy, senators’ offices are very posh — I had the pleasure of recently sprawling out across the couch in one senator’s private office, so I know — wink, wink — and, the best part, there’s no threat of foreclosure.)
NOW FOR YOUR POST-ELECTION GAME PLAN: As soon as that boring freshman orientation for Capitol Hill newbies is over, your first duty as U.S. Senator will be to hop on your broomstick the Tea Party Express and high-tail your hot little self to Iowa. YES, IOWA! There’s not a moment to waste!
Next page: How O’Donnell can convert her celebrity into a presidency
If you think the media’s tongues are wagging now over your Harry Potter complex, just head to the Hawkeye State and watch ‘em swing in the wind. You’ll visit a few farms, do a photo-op or two, schmooze the locals, blah blah blah . . . but you’ll say nothing to the press (It’s best to play hard to get; that naturally makes them want you all the more — It’s like what you did by ditching the Sunday morning talk shows after all that hocus-pocus stuff came tumbling out of your cauldron closet).
As a follow-up to Iowa, you’ll head straight to New Hampshire. By this point, you’ll have a panting press corps in tow, headlines that rival President Obama’s (Oh, right, you already do), and the speculations of a starry-eyed American electorate all to your self — maybe even a bestselling memoir if you’re the over-achiever that I know you are! (Wait-a-minute, this is all starting to sound a little familiar . . . Oh well, anyway . . .)
Then, just as the media circus over you reaches its climactic pitch, you’ll roll out the real Black Magic pièce de résistance and announce: “YOU BETCHA, I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!”
And, when the pesky “experience” question comes up (because it will), just reply, “By Inauguration Day, I’ll have had two years as Governor in the U.S. Senate!” That should shut them up. After all, the precedent for that has already been more or less established.
(With that, CUE the imploding of Democracy as we know it, again!) (Just kidding, Chrissy. Please don’t turn me into a toad hate me.)
Peace & Love on the campaign trail,
P.S. Tell Bill Maher, who released the witchcraft video and threatened to release an embarrassing clip of you every week, to keep them rolling, daily if possible! Consider him your unofficial press secretary; the more free attention he conjures up for you, the $weeter your forthcoming book advance, speaking fees, reality show salary, Fox News contract, etc. Think of it this way: CHA-CHING is your new abracadabra!
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he see life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).