If you haven’t been living under a rock recently, you’ve probably heard about the rash of scandals involving New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. The disgraced pervert and his strangely cuckolded wife Huma Abedin have been in the news after a fresh round of allegations that Weiner can’t stop sexting. (Report: Weiner’s sext pal was field organizer for Obama for America)
If it’s true that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, then Weiner is probably having the best campaign for mayor in the history of time. He has sucked up virtually all the oxygen in the race.
He’s been in the news for planning to buy a Chicago condo for sex trysts, for his impressively short phone sex sessions, for a shoe fetish, and because The New York Times called on him to drop his candidacy. He even made the cover of the highfalutin, still somewhat relevant New Yorker.
All of this got The Daily Caller wondering: is anybody else running for mayor of the Big Apple?
As it turns out — and as an authority no less than The New York Times reports — there’s a raft of other candidates on the ballot. There are so many that Weiner could easily squeak by on name recognition (which has to be his plan at this point, right?).
Find out who these candidates are, what they stand for and what their sexting and phone sex talents might be below.
• • • •
Christine C. Quinn
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 46
Current job: Speaker of the New York City Council
The New York Times says: She wants the Big Apple to have 80,000 new affordable housing units.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: Unknown, but she is a lesbian so that opens up a whole new realm of exciting possibilities
Possible location of sex bunker: A $1.3 million apartment in the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan
• • • •
Joseph J. Lhota
Party affiliation, age: Republican, 58
Current job: unclear if he has one, but he has been a big-time executive and was a major player in the Giuliani administration
The New York Times says: Lhota is a consummate technocrat who can run big bureaucracies and who can claim the mantle of the Giuliani era.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he has been known to drunk-tweet (e.g., “Oops! Yankees 10 (not 18), Sox 3 (too much wine).”
Possible location of sex bunker: A $3.5 million penthouse duplex located in Brooklyn Heights
• • • •
Bill de Blasio
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 51
Current job: New York City Public Advocate
The New York Times says: He wants universal prekindergarten, paid for by a tax on those earning more than $500,000. Also, his son has a huge, amazing afro.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he is endorsed by Alec Baldwin, which is obviously very promising
Possible location of sex bunker: A $1.1 million row house in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhoodJohn C. Liu
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 46
Current job: New York City comptroller
The New York Times says: Liu wants to raise the minimum wage to $11.50 an hour and to abolish the NYPD’s controversial stop-and-frisk scheme. He is also a favorite among blacks, Asians and Muslims.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he has been investigated by the FBI for big-time campaign finance fraud, so there is some hope
Possible location of sex bunker: An $830,000 home in the Queens neighborhood of Flushing
• • • •
George T. McDonald
Party affiliation, age: Republican, 68
Current job: Founder and president of The Doe Fund, a renowned nonprofit organization that helps homeless people
The New York Times says: McDonald is an ultra-compassionate conservative with very little in the way of funding.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he did once praise his masseur’s ability to provide affordable relaxation when asked about Asian businesses
Possible location of sex bunker: A $1.6 million apartment on Manhattan’s Upper East Side
• • • •
Bill Thompson
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 59
Current job: managing director at a finance firm
The New York Times says: He wants to hire 2,000 new police officers and has strong support among Orthodox Jews.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he has been divorced twice and who knows what he did on the rebound?
Possible location of sex bunker: A $1.8 million Harlem townhouse
• • • •
John A. Catsimatidis
Party affiliation, age: Republican, 64
Current job: Owner of a chain of grocery stores called Gristedes
The New York Times says: Catsimatidis is a Greek immigrant and a self-made billionaire who is prone to saying outlandish things and plans to outspend his rivals to victory.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he has been a big-time backer of both Bill and Hillary Clinton, so how bad can he be?
Possible location of sex bunker: An insanely posh full-floor rental apartment on Manhattan’s Upper East Side
• • • •
Erick J. Salgado
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 42
Current job: Man of the cloth
The New York Times says: The long-shot candidate is a socially conservative Hispanic who wants to issue identification cards to all the undocumented immigrants in the city.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: Probably not very good since he frequently says “God bless you” at the end of conversations but with preachers, you just never know.
Possible location of sex bunker: A rented home in Staten Island
• • • •
Sal F. Albanese
Party affiliation, age: Democrat, 63
Current job: managing director at a finance firm
The New York Times says: The former city councilman wants the toll prices on bridges to vary based on the time of day and the accessibility of mass transit options.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but he does stand for legalizing marijuana
Possible location of sex bunker: A $1 million home in Brooklyn’s Bay Ridge neighborhood
• • • •
Adolfo Carrión Jr.
Party affiliation, age: Independent, 52
Current job: consultant and real estate developer
The New York Times says: The longtime Democrat became unaffiliated for his run for mayor. He was previously President Obama’s “urban czar.” He doesn’t have much in the way of charisma, apparently. He does speak Spanish.
Sexting and phone sex abilities: unknown, but this guy is duller than dirt and even his bribery investigation is dull, so he’s probably awful at both
Possible location of sex bunker: An $838,000 house on City Island in the Bronx
