The Mirror

Trump Bros: The Donald Will Defend Our Right To Hook Up With Girls

(Photo by Rick Gershon/Getty Images)

Trump Bros firmly believe GOP frontrunner Donald Trump is behind them in their right to partake in Spring Break hookups. Trump hasn’t committed to a stance on the matter, but the Bros assume he’d be with them.

In a story by CBS News, King of the Bros, David Portnoy, who runs Barstool Sports, the Bro-iest of sites out there, remarked that Trump’s candidacy is a defense for “white kids” who are being confused for fraternity dickheads these days.

“It’s an F-U to society, who is telling us we are a bad guy because we like hooking up with girls on spring break,” he said. “And they see Trump sticking up for that.”

Trump Bros return the favor where Trump controversies are concerned.

At least at Barstool Sports they find it embarrassing that Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski is being brought up on charges of simple battery, something they deem “the basic bitch of violence.” In other words, why is he not “man enough” to have a more impressive arrest record? How humiliating.

As for that Jupiter video of Lewandowski allegedly grabbing Michelle Fields, the author Bro just doesn’t see it.

“I don’t see a crime being committed,” he wrote. “…Case closed. Corey Lewandowski did not complete the act of assaulting her.”

A male Washington journalist with a high IQ for Bro activities says the Spring Break metaphor with Trump rings true.

“Trump definitely strikes me as a pump ’em and dump ’em kind of guy, so yes,” one very sex-positive source tells The Mirror. “I’m sure Trump supports bros hooking up with hoes.”

To be fair, not all Bros even like Trump.

Brandon Cohen, a part-time Bro-ributor to Bro Bible, thinks it’s not so cut and dry with Trump. He’s also a more serious-minded Bro. (He once dressed up in women’s high heels for a feature.)

“Well, I’m not sure if I represent the majority here, but I think equating ‘bros’ and Trump is a huge disservice to bros,” he told The Mirror. “Trump represents all the worst connotations of the word bro — misogyny, racism, stubbornness, aggressiveness, white male privilege.”

Maybe Cohen turned in his Bro card when he put on the heels.

Which, of course, is what CBS News was going after with it’s piece.

“I don’t think the bros in that article are mature enough to even grasp what they’re supporting,” Cohen said. “Trump is extremely entertaining and sometimes hilarious, but I’m not looking for laughs when it comes to a political candidate. Our presidential election is not the WWE, but Trump Bros are following it as such. The dressing up in American-themed attire, making signs, etc… I get it, it makes an otherwise boring process fun, but I don’t think they understand the negative impact all of this is having on our country.”

Cohen doesn’t care for politicians.

“I hate politicians, which is why I understand the appeal of Trump,” he said. “I support the idea of a candidate who ‘can’t be bought’ and someone who ‘tells it like it is.’ I just wish that candidate was someone who isn’t as divisive and morally deplorable as Donald Trump.”

Bro Bible senior editor Brandon Wenerd insists that Trump doesn’t formally speak for Bros, but says he thinks he would defend their right to hook up on Spring Break.

But first he cracks on the religious right.

“Lol, what would the religious right say about people hooking up on Spring Break?! The horror!” he wrote The Mirror.

“On the matter of Trump,” he says, “I think Trump would defend that with a certain type of machismo, yes. But I have to add that I don’t think Trump speaks for Bros. I think he speaks towards a certain type of disenfranchised young person who is struggling to come to terms with a rapidly-changing cultural environment.

“Then again, I don’t think the idea of ‘the Bro’ is one that’s easily lumped into identity politics. On the other side of the spectrum you have the archetype of the ‘Bernie Bro’ who is passionate about left-leaning views. The Bernie Bro probably has more in common with Trump supporters than they think and vice versa (…especially in terms of lifestyle, socio-economic background, values, etc), even though they’re the politically on polar opposite sides of the spectrum.”

But a so-called “Bernie Bro” wouldn’t support hooking up on Spring Break would he?

I mean, does Bernie still have sex?

Wenerd replied, “I totally think a Bernie Bro would. After all, a Trump Bro and a Bernie Bro are stills red-blooded men at the end of the day. That’s what I mean when I say that, in terms of lifestyle values, both are probably on similar ends of the spectrum.”