4th Of July Party Guide: Here’s How To Properly Celebrate America’s Birthday

4th of July (Credit: Shutterstock/Monkey Business Images)

David Hookstead Smoke Room Editor-in-Chief
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Saturday is the 4th of July, and I have all the advice you need to crush America’s birthday.

As everyone knows, I’m a big 4th of July fan. It’s by far my favorite holiday by a country mile, and there’s no close second.

That means I take it incredibly seriously, and you should too. Luckily for all of you, I have everything you need to know in order to make Saturday the best day of the year.

Let’s dive right in!

1) You need to have a plan before the day starts.

The biggest mistake people make on the 4th is that they don’t plan ahead. Why don’t they plan ahead? I don’t have a clue but it always happens.

You should know where you’re going, who is going, what you’re bringing and how many different locations you’ll be before the sun is ever up on the 4th of July.

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If you want to plan until there’s a crisis unfolding, then you’re already dead. Same advice applies here. If you wait until the 4th of July is already underway to start planning, then your day is already cooked.

Be prepared, be ready, and have everything ready to roll prior to needing to head out.

2) Have beer for the shower ice cold and ready to be consumed.

As every college football fan knows, there’s nothing better than a glorious shower beer to get the day started off on the correct foot.

That’s just a fact, and there’s no better time to start crushing shower beers than America’s birthday. In fact, it might be even more acceptable than on Saturday mornings for college football. (RELATED: David Hookstead Is The True King In The North When It Comes To College Football)

Do yourself a favor and have a few of them in the shower to get the day going on a strong note. I can promise you that I’ll have many!

3) Have a meat heavy breakfast as you watch the best war and sports movie clips.

Now, I know I’ve told you this before, I love playing different clips from war movies and sports movies to get me amped.

I watch the speech from “Miracle” all the time when I need a little injection of energy.

What you eat here is also super important. Remember, you’re in for a marathon on the 4th of July. This isn’t a sprint.

You know what else this isn’t? A communist country. That means there should be plenty of meat in your breakfast. Find as much bacon and sausage as you can and consume it all.

Throw in a few bloody Mary’s for good measure, and I can promise that you’ll be feeling a good buzz by the time the early morning rolls around.

4) Get the pregame crew together, make sure the beer is flowing and the music is loud.

By now, it should be about 10:30 on the 4th of July or 11 at the latest. This is when you’re going to want to get the crew together for a little liquid lubrication.

Whoever you plan on making the rounds with on this glorious birthday for the USA, hit them up in a group chat to make sure plans are concrete.

Once they’re at your house, hit “Country Roads” and other all-American classics to get a nice buzz on.

Have a lady friend? This is where she should be entering the picture. Unless you live with her, there’s no need for her to be around for the first three steps. The first three steps need efficiency and no distractions.

This is the part of the day where the lucky woman in your life should start getting her phone lit up.

5) Head to your main party, and always make sure to bring something.

The worst kind of people on the planet are traitors. The second worst people are people who show up to parties without bringing something.

I hate these people, and I honestly believe they should be stripped of their citizenship. Don’t ever be one of these people.

When you show up to your 4th of July party, bring at least a case of beer. Ideally, you should bring beer and one shareable food item.

At the very least, bring something for people to drink. It shows that you’re not a selfish piece of garbage!

6) Drop as many talking points as possible about how awesome America is.

This is where you can really thrive, especially if you’re single and trying to impress women. Everyone loves being reminded of how America is the only first world country and every other country sucks.

What’s the point of being born in the greatest country on the planet if you can’t constantly remind people of that fact?

For me, I have a couple go-to stories. I rotate between the Osama Bin Laden raid, D-Day, Miracle on Ice and a variety of college football stories.

Say them loud and say them proud. The woman you’re hitting on might know Bin Laden was shot twice in the head or she might not. Don’t risk it. Make sure to let her know!

7) Close it out and call it a day.

Personally, I couldn’t give a damn about fireworks, and I think most people over the age of 14 feel the same way. That means I don’t feel the need to fit my schedule around when they’re going off.

By now, it should be past midnight and the fireworks should be done anyway. Close it down, say your goodbyes and get home safely.

Whatever you do, don’t get hammered and hop behind the wheel of a car. You’ve just had an epic 4th of July celebration. You don’t need to ruin it with a DUI!

Polish off whatever beer you have left, call an Uber, snag a woman if she’s interested and bounce. Besides, Sunday is tomorrow, and that means it’s back to work just like our founding fathers wanted.

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So, those are my tips! I hope you all enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed giving them. Now, go out there and crush your 4th of July!