Paul Ryan Hopes Wimpy Tears Get Him On The New York Times Best Seller List

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Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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Move over Adam Kinzinger, another poor RINO dab has tears to shed and attention to grab.

Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and his wimpy tears are the topic of a new book, and he’s going to ride them all the way to the top of the New York Times Bestseller list with author Mark Leibovich. While we know he’ll win the hearts and minds of the NY Times editorial board, this feels like the final nail in Ryan’s Republican political coffin.

Ryan is widely known for losing his spine sometime around the mid 2010s and for having the washboard abs of a god. Now, he’ll be remembered as the man who “found himself sobbing” during the events of January 6, 2021, according to content released by CNN. I guess those abs were aesthetic only and not capable of providing physical defense against bad guys.

“I spent my whole adult life in that building,” Ryan told Leibovich. “And I saw my friends, a lot of cops, some of my old security detail — I’m still friends with a bunch of those guys. It really disturbed me, foundationally.” Apparently Ryan isn’t much of a crier, according to Leibovich, but he has consistently decried the “horrifying” end to Trump’s time in office, CNN noted.

Of course, this book and accompanying public relations push could easily be one of three long-term ploys. Firstly, dare we ask that Ryan is attempting to make himself relevant again ahead of 2024?

Has Ryan seen what anyone with an ounce of sociopolitical understanding can see: that the Democratic Party has flung itself so far to the left that it’s hanging on the fringes of extremism and hemorrhaging voters? Does Ryan believe there is a gap as the moderate center on the Republican right for a non-Trump-aligned contender in the 2024 presidential election?

Secondly, has Ryan lost the political luster he once had and is suffering financially for it? Or is this his first step into non-political celebrity? My gut says that at least one of these is true.

There is no way a man would openly admit to his own beta behaviors unless it was a macro-psychosocial manipulation toward a greater end goal than a short-term humiliation like this. If Ryan is starting to stealth rollout his rebrand to potentially tackle former President Donald Trump in 2024, can someone please tell him about this guy from Florida called Ron DeSantis?

All jokes aside, Ryan has more of a chance of becoming President if he switches parties than if he stays a RINO. (RELATED: Nancy Pelosi Proves It’s Pretty Easy To Smuggle Bombs Into Europe)

Then again, Ryan might have agreed to take part in this book because it’s a more appealing option to make money than to start an OnlyFans of his ab routine. He joined the board of Fox News after leaving Congress, so many we’re about to start seeing Ryan a heck of a lot more during primetime just because he misses all the attention he used to get.

Only time will tell. Until then, he’ll be known as a total freaking wimp with a pretty symmetrical face and abs.