Case Of The Mondays? Justin Trudeau’s New Haircut Will Cheer You Up

REUTERS/Patrick Doyle

Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau debuted his new haircut last Friday, and I still can’t figure out why anyone would do this to themselves.

Every time I look at this photograph, all I can see is an act of treason by whoever took the shears to Trudeau’s scalp. Is it just me or is it really obvious that Trudeau’s hairdresser hates him? There is absolutely no other reason why someone would do this to a world leader. I can almost feel the unadulterated rage of his hairstylist leach through every single strand of what is arguably the stupid f*cking haircut I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Perhaps the stylist really was vibing with the “Dumb and Dumber” do, as Fox News pointed out. Jim Carrey ended up trending on Twitter because of the similarities between the Canadian’s new aesthetic and Carrey’s character in the cult comedy flick.

But so many other questions and feelings come to mind as I stare at this human rights violation of a haircut. Firstly, is Trudeau’s wife having an affair? Why did she let him leave the house looking like this unless she was distracted by someone else? You don’t do that to someone you love. A cardinal rule of marriage is that you don’t let your husband out in public if they look like this much of a clown.

Perhaps Trudeau will tell us he’s got COVID for the billionth time just so he has an excuse to hide until he stops looking like such a dildo (there are names I wanted to call him that are a lot stronger than “dildo”). I mean, I’d fake my own death just to be able to hide from other humans if someone did this to my locks.

This may be the final nail in the coffin for Trudeau’s time in power. Seriously. The only redeeming aspect of the Canadian cultural phenomenon that is Trudeau’s communist approach to destroying the Great White North was that he was kind of dreamy. The scruffy hair, the youthful glow of power, the perfectly symmetrical face, Trudeau was the ultimate hate-shag for any young, red-blooded conservative woman.

Now? Well, he looks like his parents are siblings.

One Twitter user was quick to note that we shouldn’t be using Trudeau’s appearance as a reason to drop our attention on the rest of his incompetence. I actually think going out in public looking this stupid is exactly what we need to be paying attention to. (RELATED: Haggard, Purple-Haired Scold Tells Girls Their Sports Are Too Pointless To Matter In The Trans Debate)

Boris Johnson reportedly used to mess up his hair before media appearances because it made him seem more affable and like “one of the lads.” It was a brilliant manipulation tactic and it worked… at least for a while.

Something tells me the same won’t be said for the rest of Trudeau’s time in power. I mean, how can you trust someone to lead a country when he actually chose to go out in public looking like this? He looks like he can’t read! I bet he’s hoping his hair grows out to its former glory by 2025 because there’s no way a country could elect someone who chooses to do this to themselves.