Ugly Hippies Won’t Glue Themselves To Paintings Anymore, According To Annoying Environmental Group

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Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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Environmental activist group Extinction Rebellion asked members to “temporarily shift away from public disruption as a primary tactic” in 2023, according to a statement released to the group’s website.

Extinction Rebellion (XR) members are responsible for a series of annoying, completely useless climate-change-inspired campaigns. You remember those two stupid children who attempted to destroy Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” earlier this year because they didn’t like fossil fuels? That was XR.

The protest group claimed that their work caused a “seismic shift” in the climate movement, despite the lack of actual results. “But despite the blaring alarm on the climate and ecological emergency ringing loud and clear, very little has changed,” XR’s team wrote in a press release on Dec 31, 2022. “Emissions continue to rise and our planet is dying at an accelerated rate.”

XR members are now focusing their inability to create meaningful change on “a financial system prioritizing profits over life, a media failing to inform the public and hold power to account, and a reckless government entrenched in corruption and suppressing the right to protest injustice” instead of gluing themselves to stuff and screaming in the street like toddlers who haven’t been raised properly.

When they first came onto the scene years ago, XR’s team was pretty chill. A friend and I even took part in one of their initial campaigns about preferring to go naked rather than buy new clothes (I couldn’t afford new clothes growing up so have always preferred hand-me-downs or thrifting, anyway). But then things with XR got really extreme and totally counterproductive.

It turns out that being a public nuisance is counterproductive to fostering any type of change in the real world. If you still care about all the things XR promotes, why not go to school, work your way to a position of power, and then finally learn that the planet is in no real danger? (RELATED: Scream About ‘Ancient Apocalypse’ At Your Own Peril, Illiberal Idiots)

If XR actually understood the science, they’d know that Mother Earth is going to be fine. If the leadership at XR understood anything, really, they’d be thrilled that our species is cannibalizing itself with greed and let us just keep doing our thing. Seriously. It’s more fun this way, anyway.