Americans, I’m Begging You — Please Start Eating Normal-Sized Portions Of Food

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Kay Smythe News and Commentary Writer
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McDonald’s revealed Wednesday the return of the Double Big Mac, a 740-calorie nightmare that exemplifies the healthcare crisis that is modern America.

The godless monstrosity returned to some McDonald’s “restaurants” (feeding troughs) Jan. 24 and will only be available for a limited time, according to Axios. It’s available in Canada and looks almost as horrific and dangerous to the population as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s unmitigated tyranny.

I am begging you, all of you, do not eat this poison. You can make your own version of a Double Big Mac at home and it won’t come packed with chemicals that are likely contributing to the plummeting quality of health experienced by a majority of Americans.

But the bigger issue is y’all portion sizes. Nowhere else in the world eats quantities of food quite like here in the U.S. And if you stopped eating so much, you’ll probably find your health will drastically improve. It is just that simple.

Americans appear blissfully unaware of how abnormal it is to treat every single minor health ailment with synthetic medications. Instead of literally choosing to stop being such greedy little pigs, men and women alike are hollowing out their souls with Ozempic prescriptions they don’t need.

The problem is twofold: it’s partly Big Pharma, but mostly the individual patient. Big Pharma has no reason to tell you to stop being such a glutenous mess, even though this will probably cure most of your ailments. You’re making Big Pharma and your doctors huge amounts of money and are guaranteed to do so for as long as you treat your body like a garbage dump. (RELATED: You’ll Scream While Watching Idiots Answer Questions About Whether Obesity Can Be Healthy)

And when Big Pharma’s pills don’t work, it’s apparently their fault you’re not getting healthier. It’s the “healthcare industry” that is to blame for you not wanting to walk a mile, eat a vegetable, or drink water instead of soda. (Why are people still drinking soda?!)

Seriously. At this rate, we’re not too far off from that one episode of “Parks and Recreation”:

LESLIE KNOPE: “How is this a child-size soda?”

FAST FOOD OWNER: “Well, it’s roughly the size of a two-year-old child.”