Will Rahn and Cigarettes: The secret emails revealed

During the month of July, Daily Caller Deputy Editor Will Rahn decided to give up Cigarettes. But being the cruel temptress that she is, Cigarettes didn’t make it easy for him and began an email exchange trying to lure him back to her.

The exchange is reprinted here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment.

From: Cigarettes

To: Will Rahn

Date: July 12, 2013 4:34 a.m.

Hi Will,

It’s been awhile. Too long actually. Do you miss me?

I know you do. 🙂 They all do.

You love me almost more than life itself, right? Of course, the operative word is almost.

I suspect by now you’ve read the “studies” by respected “scientists” saying if you stick with me I’ll eventually kill you. But let me ask you this: Is life really worth living without me? How much less enjoyable is it without my sweet sensation?

Don’t answer that. I know you’re probably in a dark place now. But think about this: Who smokes and who doesn’t? On the smoker side, you have great men like John Wayne and Franklin Roosevelt. On the not smoking side there are dorks and Adolf Hitler. Do you really want to be on the side of Hitler and the dorks?

Anyway, good luck and everything. I mean that, honestly. But I just wanted to write and let you know that when all your other friends let you down, I’ll be there waiting for you.

Love always,
Cigarettes

From: Will Rahn

To: Cigarettes

Date: July 12, 2013 4:37 a.m.

Hey Cigarettes,

I’m trembling as I write this. It’s been three days since I had you in my mouth. Is that even funny? Is that a funny joke to make? I don’t know. I usually smoke before I write. I’m not sure I can without it/you.

I feel fucking crazy. I’m angry and sad. I want to die. I want you to kill me. I want you to spend the rest of your life smelling like me.

From: Cigarettes

To: Will Rahn

Date: July 14, 2013 5:34 a.m.

Will!

Sorry for replying so late but I’ve just gotten back from one hell of a party. You will not believe all the cool people I was hanging out with.

It sounds like you’re doing great! Well, not really. But what do you want me to say? You’ve put yourself in this position.

You know where to find me if you have a change of heart. I’ll be where the music is loud. I’ll be where the people are pretty. I’ll be where the night never ends. I’ll be where life is worth living.

Until me meet again,
Cigarettes

From: Will Rahn

To: Cigarettes

Date: July 17, 2013 2:42 p.m.

Hey Cigarettes,

We all have frustrations in life. Not having you around is one of mine. Sure I’d like to have one when I’m having trouble writing. But I don’t need you. I’m stronger than that.

The good news is that I’m saving a lot of money by not buying you, and have decided to invest that money in other things that make me happy. Things like alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

Some people are all like “I’m a beer drinker” or “I’m a wine drinker.” I’m an everything drinker. I’ll fucking mainline rubbing alcohol if that’s what’s around. Hell, even that beats the insomnia and tremors that come with this nicotine withdrawal.

But that’s a problem I’ll deal with later. Right now, I have to cut myself some slack. I’m quitting smoking, after all, and need to make this rough adjustment a little easier.

Fuck you, cigarettes. Or fuck me. I don’t know. Everything is fucked.

From: Cigarettes

To: Will Rahn

Date: July 18, 2013 4:53 a.m.

Dear Will,

🙁

Until we meet again,
Cigarettes

——

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