Dear Kay: I’ve been planning my next orgy for weeks after the success of my Fourth of July extravaganza, but I’m a bit nervous about all this confusing monkeypox news. Should I still go? — signed, Don’t Say Gay.
Dear Don’t Say,
I can’t even fathom the stress you’re under right now with this decision weighing on your shoulders. While I can’t ultimately make this decision for you, I hope the information here will give you clarity.
I understand your confusion given the corporate news media’s reluctance to admit that monkeypox is a gay orgy issue. It took two months for corporate media to address the fact that gay men are most at-risk of contracting monkeypox. I found this reluctance to address the science pretty strange as it took them about five seconds to shame fired firefighters for not getting a barely-tested vaccine during the last pandemic.
The World Health Organization (WHO), one of the most trusted bodies of mass psychological control in the known universe, has recommended that men who have sex with other men reduce their number of sexual partners as ninety-eight percent of monkeypox cases have been identified in gay and bisexual males (not that we know what a man or woman is, of course).
San Francisco Hosted Kink Fest Despite Obvious Monkeypox Risk https://t.co/BrDqU5bhof
— Daily Caller (@DailyCaller) August 3, 2022
Trusted sources are telling you that gay orgies are at-risk of becoming super-spreader events. Maybe take a weekend off having multiple partners? At least one of these men recently attended a “birthday orgy” where he contracted the pox. His experience seemed pretty uncomfortable as his body went through some rough symptoms like itching and sweating.
You also have to think of your fellow attendee’s health. Monkeypox is not just about you, it’s about everyone you come into contact with. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t go and sit in a room full of children not wearing a mask, putting all of you at risk of contracting COVID-19. You’re not Vice President Kamala Harris or failed actress and politician Stacey Abrams.
What I’m trying to ask is, are you willing to put your own and the health of others at risk for a good ole time, or can you reschedule for the next pandemic interlude? (RELATED: ‘Schlong COVID’: Tucker Asks Viewers For Best Alternative Names For Monkeypox)
Here’s another idea: try monogamy! As in, dating one person for an extended period of time and not having multiple sexual partners every weekend? I know it’s not exactly “cool,” but I guarantee your mental and physical health will be all the better for it.
It won’t hurt you, and it’s actually infectious. The more monogamous you are, the more likely your friendship group will be, too. Perhaps we can all stop monkeypox super-spreader events together.
There’s nothing more underrated than a weekend at home with one person you love.
Do you need help navigating the slow collapse of modern society? Send your questions to your new favorite agony aunt, Kay Smythe.