As you know if you’re not a science-denying carbonhugger, the human race is the worst thing to happen in the history of the planet. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Thanks to Earth Day, we can all do our part to make up for the crime of being alive. And thanks to the Daily Caller, you can get all your Earth Day news in one easy-to-use package that you won’t need to recycle.
Start off with our look at carbon offset programs. What are they? How do they work? Do they work? Where the heck does your money go? Most importantly: If you participate in one of these programs to make yourself feel less guilty about living in the most prosperous society in the history of the world, and you haven’t asked yourself any of these questions, would you like to buy a bridge in Brooklyn?
And as long as you’re throwing your money around like a big dope, why not participate in the Daily Caller’s very own Offset-Offset Program? For every “carbon offset” one of your smug friends buys, we’ll tell you we’re doing something to counteract it:
He sends a guilt check to a tree farm in Tabatinga? We idle the Hummer in the driveway overnight…
That’s the beauty of The Daily Caller Carbon Offset-Offset Program: There’s no fuss or hassle. We take care of the carbon emissions in a controlled environment, at no risk to you. Our trained pollution engineers neutralize the effects of your neighbors’ guilt while you remain in the comfort of your highly air-conditioned home, knowing you’ve done your part. And you can rest easy knowing that part of your purchase will go toward high-quality investigative reporting that will continue to expose fraud in the environmental movement. Act now and receive a handsome certificate suitable for framing that confirms your participation in this important project.
We get your money, and you get to not ask us too many questions. Just like carbon-offsetting! And every bit as good for the planet.
Next up, don’t miss our 2010 Earth Day Gift Guide. Did you know there’s a sex lube made from hemp? You do now. And you can’t un-know it. It’s in there. It’s in your brain. Images of smug hippies pulling off each other’s soy-based clothes and doing things to each other with hemp lube are writhing inside your mind. Ha ha ha!
Did you know celebrities are hypocrites when it comes to the environment? No, really. Dude: Seriously.
Nancy Pelosi has started a program called Green the Capitol. It’s been every bit as successful as all her other efforts. Instead of Congressmen just throwing away their trash like normal people:
Four types of trash cans facilitate sorting of paper, plastics and compostable items that deteriorate over six months into top soil.
For those who grumble about the change, as well as those who vigorously monitor their waste streams, it’s a bit shocking when janitors come in at the end of the day and dump all four bins into a single jumble of waste.
But who cares? The whole point is that Nancy feels better.
And so do I. Happy Earth Day, everybody!