First, dear readers, I want to apologize for neglecting my Daily Caller Diary the past week or so. There’s no excuse, really, but that won’t stop me for offering one (or two). In addition to obsessively monitoring the Amazon rankings of my new book, I also wrapped up a grueling and rewarding journey of discovery in pursuit of my graduate degree. And it only took six years! After successfully defending my thesis (coming to a bookstore near you one day soon!), I am officially a Master of Religious Studies. Please address me accordingly—that means you, too, Mom.
Speaking of Mom, I thought I’d use this opportunity to do a special Mother’s Day diary, as a shout-out to all the selfless, hard-working, under-appreciated, well-meaning, overweening, ever-meddling, overbearing, totally embarrassing, sometimes-dictatorial mothers out there, who never get the recognition they deserve. This is for you, Dina Lohan!
I’ll admit that over the past 30 years I haven’t exactly been an angel. So this seems the perfect chance to offer a mea culpa and a thank you to my mother (who has her very own column at Redsecupp.com!)
First, the apologies. Mom, I’m sorry…
…for eating all the cupcakes on Valentine’s Day and vomiting all over Aunt Libby’s foyer when I was 4. I know it was gross, but I think I learned a very valuable lesson about limits. And about throw-up.
…for pretending I was choking that time in grandma’s car, causing her to pull over and check my vitals—when really I just wanted her to go get me a Diet Coke.
…for stealing your paperback books every day over that summer of 1984 just to give them back to you in your favorite (and most expensive) gift wrap as “presents.” My motives were completely selfish—I was just really, really bored.
…for embarrassing you on parents’ day in first grade, when I told the teacher my favorite song was “Like a Virgin.” And then sang it for her.
…for calling Lindsay Jesperson a “vagina” in second grade, and insisting that I actually called her a “bagina,” as if that was better.
…for stripping the varnish off every wooden surface in every house we ever lived in with nail polish remover.
…for calling you crying every time I went to a sleepover, begging you to pick me up, and then getting angry at you when you actually came.
…for making fun of your Amy Grant obsession every Christmas.
…for correcting your pronunciation of words like “berry” and “ferry,” which you still insist on pronouncing like “bury” and “fury.”
And now the gratitude. Mom, thank you…
…for blasting Genesis, Fleetwood Mac, Supertramp, and E.L.O. in the Rabbit convertible when I was 4. Thanks to you I know the difference between Lady Gaga and music.
…for making “green eggs” and ham for me with green food coloring.
…for dressing up like a rock star one night and lip-synching “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” with dad. It sounds a little creepy now, but at the time it made me think you guys were the coolest people on the planet (after Jem and the Holograms).
…for letting me think the moldy fallen log in the woods behind the dumpster was the actual “Bridge to Terabithia” for like a year.
…for teaching me about the subjunctive mood…in first grade.
…for storming into my sixth grade classroom to yell at my psychotic heifer of a choir teacher for hitting me. That was AWESOME.
…for indulging my grunge-rock phase, and letting me play my Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden CDs in the car on the way to ballet. And thanks for feigning sympathy when Kurt Cobain died and I thought the world would end.
…for picking me up at the police station that one time when I did that thing.
…for giving me a turntable and all your old Beatles albums for my 16th birthday, and for teaching me why, sometimes, it’s better to be a Ringo fan, than a John fan.
…and most of all, thanks for being the kind of super annoying, over-protective, ever-present, totally omniscient mom who refused to let MTV raise her daughter. You truly put the “mother” in “smother,” and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Happy Mother’s Day!
S.E. Cupp is author of the brand-spanking new book “Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity.”She is also co-author of “Why You’re Wrong About The Right,” and a columnist for the New York Daily News and a regular guest on “Hannity,” “Larry King Live,” “Fox & Friends,” “Geraldo,” “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld,” and others.