You might think you were doing a pretty good job of running your own life before you’d ever even heard of Michelle Obama, but she knows better than that. Your kids are big fat pigs and so are you, says the First Lady of the United States.
Our own Alex Pappas reports:
Somewhat surprisingly, given the fragility of young girls’ egos, the first lady has often recounted an anecdote about daughters Sasha and Malia to explain her interest in childhood obesity: The family pediatrician in Chicago “kind of tapped me on the shoulder … And he told me, you know, you may want to watch it.” Barack Obama told Parents magazine in 2008: “A couple of years ago — you’d never know it by looking at her now — Malia was getting a little chubby.”
The Obamas hate fat kids like fat kids love cake.
So on Tuesday, Mrs. Obama laid out a 70-point plan to make America’s children thinner. Conceiving at a healthy weight, promoting breastfeeding among mothers and analyzing the effect of placing taxes on unhealthy foods are part of her 70-point plan to fight child obesity…
“We just need everyone to do their part, and it’s going to take everyone,” Obama said of the Childhood Obesity Task Force action plan. “No one gets off the hook on this one — from governments to schools, corporations to nonprofits, all the way down to families sitting around their dinner table.”
Only 70 points? Well, it’s early days. I’m sure she’ll think of more. What would we do if we allowed any aspect of daily life to be left to the discretion of the individual?
If you’re thinking of having a baby, not so fast, fatso. Front and center, here’s the very first “recommendation” in the report about what an awful slob you are:
Recommendation 1.1: Pregnant women and women planning a pregnancy should be informed of the importance of conceiving at a healthy weight and having a healthy weight gain during pregnancy, based on the relevant recommendations of the Institute of Medicine. Specifically, health care providers, as well as Federal, state, and local agencies, medical societies, and organizations that serve pregnant women or those planning pregnancies should provide information concerning the importance of conceiving at a normal BMI and having a healthy weight gain during pregnancy. Those who provide primary and prenatal care to women should offer them counseling on dietary intake and physical activity that is tailored to their life circumstances. In many cases, conceiving at a normal BMI will require some weight loss.
It’s a good start, but of course it doesn’t go nearly far enough. Should economy-sized women even be allowed to have sex? Or if we’re to allow it, shouldn’t we make condom use mandatory for all chubby-chasers? Here’s your new slogan, Mrs. Obama, free of charge:
“If You’re Fat, Wrap That.”
I can just see the billboards now! Plus, “Childhood Obesity Task Force” doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it? How about Childhood Obesity Workshop, or COW? “Don’t have a COW, man!” If you’re going to meddle in everyone’s lives, you might as well have some fun with it.
Don’t let this happen to you, America: