Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol XXVI: Dark secrets revealed, the moral failure of fly tying, and travels with the Jo Bros

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Matt Labash
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  • Bio

      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

Dear Matt: Why are you a more productive writer than Cupp? Does it have something to do with “The Curse,” or too much shopping? – Steve

That’s a pretty sexist thing to say. I don’t ordinarily stand up for women, because I figure that when you do, they get all uppity, and next thing you know, they’ll want to vote and drive and such. But I’m going to make an exception on this count.

I can’t speak to S.E. Cupp’s shopping habits or her cursing, but I will say that yours is a grossly unfair and inaccurate charge. In fact, I had the archivist check, and it turns out that since this little Hamas front operation known as the The Daily Caller launched, I have authored precisely 27 Ask Matt Labash columns, (including a special edition – which is why it doesn’t track with the Roman numerals of the title, assuming you can count in Roman numerals – I can’t, the editor does that for me). While Ms. Cupp has written 26 diarist columns, and has additionally chipped in a few non-diarist columns as well. So basically, it’s even- Stephen, productivity-wise. She’s even a little ahead.

But if I seem both defensive and uncharacteristically gallant, that’s because I have a confession to make. There’s a reason why Cupp and I rarely, if ever, file on the same day. Because it’s a lot of work when you’re writing both columns. You see, I am S.E. Cupp. Are you happy, sexist? You made me say it. Jim Treacher played at outing me before, when I made him angry after I carelessly scratched his Very Best of Christopher Cross CD. But since Treacher has a dark secret of his own, he stopped short of pulling the trigger, and pretended it was a joke. Only now can the full truth be told. I am Cupp, she is me, we are a he/she. Here is the real us:

No, I’m not completely done with the hormone regimen. But I’m getting there. I know at the moment, I look like Mrs. Doubtfire-as-a-seductive librarian, badly in need of a shave. So accept me as I am, or don’t accept me at all. It doesn’t really matter to me. Because for the first time, maybe ever, I’m finally accepting myself.

  • gregbo

    The image of Treacher and “friend” is pretty disturbing, but we were warned that the whole gay marriage thing would lead to this sort of behavior. I hope Glen Beck is happy now.

  • kattnmouse

    I guess who ever doea your make up does a fine job. You look just like the S E Cupp I see on tv on occasion. Do you sound like her too???

  • killtruck

    Roman numberals are elitist.

  • srvdisciple

    Matt, Please don’t assume the washing ones eyes out with scotch was a waste of scotch. Haven’t you ever heard of recycling?

  • DarthPlimpton

    So have you joined Facebook yet? I have FarmVille gifts to send you.

    ~ Love, Detroit

  • charliefreak

    Oh my God, it’s Sarah Palin.

  • Demonized

    OK, so you’re SE Cupp. I’m fine with that. And I want to see your titties.