[Suspend all disbelief RIGHT NOW!]
Good morning, students! Welcome back to school. I hope you all had a nice summer. Let’s go around the classroom and hear what everyone did during their time off.
Roland, we’ll start with you. What did you do?
Mr. Schlimm, I went to the beach with my family and played baseball!
Nice.
Charlotte, how about you?
I read all the books on our summer reading list, Mr. Schlimm, just like you asked us to!
Wow, that’s great!
Steven?
I planted a garden with my mom and caught salamanders!
Very cool.
Bristol, it’s your turn. What did you do on your summer vacation?
Well, Mr. Schlimm, I’m worked on writing my first book, and I headed out on the lecture circuit for like a lot of money! I mean, A LOT! And all the while raising my baby all by myself. I then convinced my former-boyfriend-turned-baby-daddy-turned-fiancé-turned-former-fiancé-turned-coattail-clutching-trash-talking-fame-whore, Levi, to apologize to my mom for all the lies he’s been sayin’ about her. Then I got to be on the cover of Us Weekly to tell the world I was engaged to Levi again, but then like a few minutes later, I decided not to marry him ‘cause he made this music video bashing my family and maybe got this other girl pregnant, so we broke up and now I’ll never be First Lady of Wasilla if he wins his race for my mom’s old job there, but that’s okay ‘cause I have like my own life and career now…
Ummmmm, o-k-a-y. Is that all, Bristol?
…Oh yeah, and I made my primetime acting debut on The Secret Life of the American Teenager. That was fun! And now I’m going to be on Dancing with the Stars with The Situation, Audrina from The Hills, Mrs. Brady, some old guy named David HasBeenHoff or something like that, and like a bunch of other people. I even got to be on Good Morning America the other day to talk about it. That was fun too! I hope you’ll all tune in on September 20th to watch me dance! BTW, I won’t be in class that day, Mr. Schlimm.
OKAY-THEN, I think maybe we should just skip ahead to our lesson for today.
To start off our new school year, who can give me an example of a role model? Courtney, who is a role model for you?
Snooki from Jersey Shore, Mr. Schlimm!
Welllll, who else can we think of? Kezzie, can you please name someone you look up to?
That’s easy, Mr. Schlimm. Troy Polamalu is my role model. He just insured his hair for a million bucks! I’m gonna grow my hair long so I can do that too.
Indeed. Joelle, who do you think is a role model?
JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!
ACTUALLY, I was kind of thinking of some other names. Bristol, can you pleeeeease give me an example of a role model?
SURE, Mr. Schlimm, I’M A ROLE MODEL FOR ABSTINENCE!
Of course you are, Miss Palin…
You know what, boys and girls? I think maybe it’s time to take a nice, long lavatory break! Yes, Bristol, what is it now?
Mr. Schlimm, do you mind if I use my lav break to make a few calls to my publicist, editor, babysitter, and producers?
[Re-engage DISBELIEF ASAP!]
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards). Join John on Facebook and Twitter.