Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor

Photo of Matt Labash
Matt Labash
Columnist
  • See All Articles
  • Send Email
  • Subscribe to RSS
  • Bio

      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

What do you think of men, particularly male members of Congress, crying in public? Please address male tears, generally. –  No More Tears in the District

I’m against it. Save your salty tears for someone who cares, like your wife. Unless you’re the rare member of Congress who gets caught having sex with his wife, in which case, save your tears for your disgraced mistress.

Make no mistake, I don’t pretend to be some iron man. There are acceptable occasions for crying in public. If your spouse, children, or parents die, it’s completely understandable if you weep. When your dog dies, or even if you’re watching a dead-dog movie (Old Yeller, Marley & Me, etc), I’d actually think less of you if you didn’t cry. It probably means you have a lifeless slab of gristle where your heart should be, or are a cat person – both of which are unacceptable. If you’re standing on a pile of 9/11 rubble, making a speech a la George W. Bush, I suppose it’s okay to cry. Though I hasten to add that I’ve never seen Osama bin Laden cry in his videos, and he’s been living in a cave with bad kidneys and surly jihadists for nine years. So if you want the terrorists to think we all get man-scaped down at the Eunuch Spa, go ahead and squirt a few on camera.

From Glenn Beck to the Promise Keepers to unfaithful Republican politicians like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, its become very fashionable, over the last decade or so, for conservative men to cry as readily as they exhale. This has to stop. I love my wife and Jesus and America too, but we shouldn’t cry in public when talking about them. Crying is what liberal English majors do in college to try to score girls, which is why so many feminists hate men (and rightly so, considering). That’s why according to dubious statistics I’ve just pulled out of thin air, women prefer conservative men by a 3-to-1 margin, even if they loathe themselves for it. So be the un-Beck. Be the alternative. No woman likes some blubbering phlegm-pot expressing his feeeeeelings to try to emote his way into her pants. If you’re a conservative member of Congress, and want to sleep with liberal women, I suggest toughening up, and putting your emotions in check. If you succeed, there will be plenty of time to cry privately later, after you’ve been driven from office in shame, and are back in your home district, unemployed, forgotten and alone.

I notice a lot of moms wearing really bad jeans. What are your thoughts on Mom Jeans? – Jessie L.

I have nothing negative to say about them. Moms do so much for us, they’re entitled to be comfortable in their jeans. Though I do think the fashion forwardness of Mom Jeans has peaked now that even Barack Obama wears them. It’s long been a dream of mine, however, to shed this grubby journalism racket and to start my own fashion line of mom jean shorts, or Mom Jorts. When mom’s heading off to the carpool line, does she wear jeans, does she wear shorts? Why make her choose? Life’s complicated enough. And moms are busy – no time for hard decisions. Instead, just buy her Mom Jorts™ from Ask Matt Labash, to be sold exclusively at Sam’s Club.

Besides, I’ve about had it with our cultural overemphasis on “Hot Moms.” What about Homely Moms? Who’s looking out for them? I am, that’s who. After all, aren’t all moms hot, in their own way? That’s how they became moms in the first place. Because someone thought they were attractive enough to have sex with them without protection. So buy them the jean shorts they deserve. The Mom Jorts – sexy enough to still catch her instructor’s eye after changing out at Jazzercise class. But utilitarian enough with that bunchy, elastic waistband, where mom can still tuck a sippy cup or her Glock when she’s on the go.

NEXT: Matt Labash’s connection to Lady Gaga

  • killtruck

    1. There’s one acceptable place for a man to cry, alone in his car on his way to work. Jort money doesn’t grow on trees.

    2. Your Jorts sound a lot like capris.

  • rmeav8or

    Okay, no crying in baseball. But football – The original Brian’s Song w/James Caan and B.D. Williams – brings a tear every time

  • srvdisciple

    ..and I think men are allowed to cry when they watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

  • Vuvuzela

    Lady Gaga – sounds like some kind of bizzare woman wrestler. Will she be speaking at the 2012 Dem Convention?

  • Rachel Maddow

    What a bait and switch this was. Here, I was hoping to get a look at Gaga in the buff and there is no picture here.

    Well, that’s okay, I guess, cuz Susie walked in the room while I was clicking the link. She would have been a tad jealous.