The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor

EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

What do you think of men, particularly male members of Congress, crying in public? Please address male tears, generally. –  No More Tears in the District

I’m against it. Save your salty tears for someone who cares, like your wife. Unless you’re the rare member of Congress who gets caught having sex with his wife, in which case, save your tears for your disgraced mistress.

Make no mistake, I don’t pretend to be some iron man. There are acceptable occasions for crying in public. If your spouse, children, or parents die, it’s completely understandable if you weep. When your dog dies, or even if you’re watching a dead-dog movie (Old Yeller, Marley & Me, etc), I’d actually think less of you if you didn’t cry. It probably means you have a lifeless slab of gristle where your heart should be, or are a cat person – both of which are unacceptable. If you’re standing on a pile of 9/11 rubble, making a speech a la George W. Bush, I suppose it’s okay to cry. Though I hasten to add that I’ve never seen Osama bin Laden cry in his videos, and he’s been living in a cave with bad kidneys and surly jihadists for nine years. So if you want the terrorists to think we all get man-scaped down at the Eunuch Spa, go ahead and squirt a few on camera.

From Glenn Beck to the Promise Keepers to unfaithful Republican politicians like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, its become very fashionable, over the last decade or so, for conservative men to cry as readily as they exhale. This has to stop. I love my wife and Jesus and America too, but we shouldn’t cry in public when talking about them. Crying is what liberal English majors do in college to try to score girls, which is why so many feminists hate men (and rightly so, considering). That’s why according to dubious statistics I’ve just pulled out of thin air, women prefer conservative men by a 3-to-1 margin, even if they loathe themselves for it. So be the un-Beck. Be the alternative. No woman likes some blubbering phlegm-pot expressing his feeeeeelings to try to emote his way into her pants. If you’re a conservative member of Congress, and want to sleep with liberal women, I suggest toughening up, and putting your emotions in check. If you succeed, there will be plenty of time to cry privately later, after you’ve been driven from office in shame, and are back in your home district, unemployed, forgotten and alone.

I notice a lot of moms wearing really bad jeans. What are your thoughts on Mom Jeans? – Jessie L.

I have nothing negative to say about them. Moms do so much for us, they’re entitled to be comfortable in their jeans. Though I do think the fashion forwardness of Mom Jeans has peaked now that even Barack Obama wears them. It’s long been a dream of mine, however, to shed this grubby journalism racket and to start my own fashion line of mom jean shorts, or Mom Jorts. When mom’s heading off to the carpool line, does she wear jeans, does she wear shorts? Why make her choose? Life’s complicated enough. And moms are busy – no time for hard decisions. Instead, just buy her Mom Jorts™ from Ask Matt Labash, to be sold exclusively at Sam’s Club.

Besides, I’ve about had it with our cultural overemphasis on “Hot Moms.” What about Homely Moms? Who’s looking out for them? I am, that’s who. After all, aren’t all moms hot, in their own way? That’s how they became moms in the first place. Because someone thought they were attractive enough to have sex with them without protection. So buy them the jean shorts they deserve. The Mom Jorts – sexy enough to still catch her instructor’s eye after changing out at Jazzercise class. But utilitarian enough with that bunchy, elastic waistband, where mom can still tuck a sippy cup or her Glock when she’s on the go.

NEXT: Matt Labash’s connection to Lady Gaga

  • killtruck

    1. There’s one acceptable place for a man to cry, alone in his car on his way to work. Jort money doesn’t grow on trees.

    2. Your Jorts sound a lot like capris.

  • rmeav8or

    Okay, no crying in baseball. But football – The original Brian’s Song w/James Caan and B.D. Williams – brings a tear every time

  • srvdisciple

    ..and I think men are allowed to cry when they watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

  • Vuvuzela

    Lady Gaga – sounds like some kind of bizzare woman wrestler. Will she be speaking at the 2012 Dem Convention?

  • Rachel Maddow

    What a bait and switch this was. Here, I was hoping to get a look at Gaga in the buff and there is no picture here.

    Well, that’s okay, I guess, cuz Susie walked in the room while I was clicking the link. She would have been a tad jealous.