Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Have a burning sensation? Consult your doctor. Have a burning question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

What do you think of men, particularly male members of Congress, crying in public? Please address male tears, generally. –  No More Tears in the District

I’m against it. Save your salty tears for someone who cares, like your wife. Unless you’re the rare member of Congress who gets caught having sex with his wife, in which case, save your tears for your disgraced mistress.

Make no mistake, I don’t pretend to be some iron man. There are acceptable occasions for crying in public. If your spouse, children, or parents die, it’s completely understandable if you weep. When your dog dies, or even if you’re watching a dead-dog movie (Old Yeller, Marley & Me, etc), I’d actually think less of you if you didn’t cry. It probably means you have a lifeless slab of gristle where your heart should be, or are a cat person – both of which are unacceptable. If you’re standing on a pile of 9/11 rubble, making a speech a la George W. Bush, I suppose it’s okay to cry. Though I hasten to add that I’ve never seen Osama bin Laden cry in his videos, and he’s been living in a cave with bad kidneys and surly jihadists for nine years. So if you want the terrorists to think we all get man-scaped down at the Eunuch Spa, go ahead and squirt a few on camera.

From Glenn Beck to the Promise Keepers to unfaithful Republican politicians like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, its become very fashionable, over the last decade or so, for conservative men to cry as readily as they exhale. This has to stop. I love my wife and Jesus and America too, but we shouldn’t cry in public when talking about them. Crying is what liberal English majors do in college to try to score girls, which is why so many feminists hate men (and rightly so, considering). That’s why according to dubious statistics I’ve just pulled out of thin air, women prefer conservative men by a 3-to-1 margin, even if they loathe themselves for it. So be the un-Beck. Be the alternative. No woman likes some blubbering phlegm-pot expressing his feeeeeelings to try to emote his way into her pants. If you’re a conservative member of Congress, and want to sleep with liberal women, I suggest toughening up, and putting your emotions in check. If you succeed, there will be plenty of time to cry privately later, after you’ve been driven from office in shame, and are back in your home district, unemployed, forgotten and alone.

I notice a lot of moms wearing really bad jeans. What are your thoughts on Mom Jeans? – Jessie L.

I have nothing negative to say about them. Moms do so much for us, they’re entitled to be comfortable in their jeans. Though I do think the fashion forwardness of Mom Jeans has peaked now that even Barack Obama wears them. It’s long been a dream of mine, however, to shed this grubby journalism racket and to start my own fashion line of mom jean shorts, or Mom Jorts. When mom’s heading off to the carpool line, does she wear jeans, does she wear shorts? Why make her choose? Life’s complicated enough. And moms are busy – no time for hard decisions. Instead, just buy her Mom Jorts™ from Ask Matt Labash, to be sold exclusively at Sam’s Club.

Besides, I’ve about had it with our cultural overemphasis on “Hot Moms.” What about Homely Moms? Who’s looking out for them? I am, that’s who. After all, aren’t all moms hot, in their own way? That’s how they became moms in the first place. Because someone thought they were attractive enough to have sex with them without protection. So buy them the jean shorts they deserve. The Mom Jorts – sexy enough to still catch her instructor’s eye after changing out at Jazzercise class. But utilitarian enough with that bunchy, elastic waistband, where mom can still tuck a sippy cup or her Glock when she’s on the go.

NEXT: Matt Labash’s connection to Lady Gaga
I noted your first suggestion for keeping away Mormon (& Muslim) missionaries was strikingly similar to Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the VMAs. I also don’t recall seeing any Mormons or Muslims anywhere near Lady Gaga (although I think my dog became a fan of hers). This leads to two possible explanations. Either Matt Labash is moonlighting as Lady Gaga’s dress designer, or, Lady Gaga is a Matt Labash follower. Which is it? – wfjag

It’s a little bit of both. I don’t really follow her music, due to my heterosexuality. But we do know each other. Here’s a picture of us taken in front of a volcano. Some people say the lighting kind of makes me look like Kanye:

I am, however, something of a fashion Svengali to her. I don’t like to brag, it’s not my way. But I do know a lot about fashion (see Mom Jorts advice, above). So when it comes to Lady Gaga dressing herself, I’m kind of like John Derek was to Bo Derek, or like Eugene Landy was to Brian Wilson. Except instead of telling her to get naked (John’s advice to Bo) or to wear billowy Twinkie-caked nightshirts that are comfortable in bed since you never leave your room  (Landy to Wilson), I told Lady Gaga, “Wear meat. It’s colorful, it’s functional, and it makes people want to eat you up.”

Though we did have a bit of a row over it. She went with flank steak. I wanted her to go with skirt. It’s a fattier cut, yes, but it also marinates better and grills faster, which would’ve come in handy for the VMA after-party. She didn’t listen, though. The girl has a mind of her own. I do worry for her that if she keeps upping the outrageous fashion ante, there’s nowhere left to go. So I’ve advised her to walk it back next year, and to wear something more subtle and classic-looking, like a dead-babies dress, or a sucking chest wound.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

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