Well, it’s that time of year again. Deer season opens in New York State this weekend and — would you believe it — I have to leave my plush surroundings at The Breakers in West Palm Beach to make it back for that all important first shot at a big, beautiful buck.

I’m here in sunny southern Florida for David Horowitz’s Restoration Weekend, which will I’m sure make sitting in a frozen blind on the damp forest floor seem even less comfortable than usual, but I wasn’t going to miss opening day for anything — even a poolside cabana, a daiquiri and Doug Schoen’s delightful badinage.

Opening day always makes me think of my first time out. I was nervous, excited, and spent a week wrestling 10-pointers in my dreams before actually hitting the hunt. My expectations were ridiculously high (“What if I fill all my tags?”) and also ridiculously naive. Sure, I’d watched hunting shows, flipped through my Field & Stream fall issues, and listened patiently as my hunting elders tried to explain what was about to happen.

But nothing can prepare you for the real thing. So this year, I thought I’d pass on some wisdom for those of you who are thinking about getting out there, this season or some time in the near future. Because there are some things the experts think are just too obvious to tell you. But trust me, they aren’t. And yes, you are that dumb. These are in fact precisely the things you need to hear.

For one, deer in the field don’t look at all the way they do in your mind. While you’re probably expecting something like this to mosey on up in front of your gun barrel…

…the reality is deer are really, really hard to see. They don’t have paper targets taped on them either. One year I sat in a blind for eight hours, expecting that when a deer rolled up, he’d look like something out of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. It took a long time to learn how to look, and what subtle color variations and movements to look for. If you can spot the deer in this photo, you’re on your way. Hint: It’s in the open, nowhere near the tree line.

2.  For another, deer in the field are notoriously quiet. They don’t talk like they do in cartoons, and they don’t announce their presence either. If you think that a 300-pound animal skipping through the woods is going to sound like a Clydesdale, you’d be wrong. They’re like ninjas. And the noises of the forest — falling acorns, wind rustling through the trees, breaking branches and other critters — will sound a lot like your target. So if you had any illusions of sitting up in a tree with your iPod on, jamming to some N.W.A. oldies, you will definitely miss your deer. He could walk right underneath you and you may not hear it.

3.  Along those lines, you are not nearly as quiet as you think you are. And a nearby deer can likely hear your every move. So be prepared to sit very still for a very long time. And avoid bringing snacks that make noise. No potato chips, no carrot sticks or celery. There’s a reason hunters like jerky…it tastes good and it’s silent.

4.  Also, you smell way too good. Maybe it’s your super fruity shampoo or your Irish Spring soap, your cucumber shaving cream, your musk oil or your lavender lotion, but if you use any of this the morning you go hunting, you might as well run into the woods, screaming at the top of your lungs, “Here I come, bitches!” Use scent-hiding soap the night before, and be sure to wash your hunting gear with scent-free detergent. Cabelas carries a large selection to provide for all your scent-hiding needs.

5.  You should also know, going in, that you will freeze your ass off. If you are hunting anywhere in the Northeast, November’s going to be cold and you’re going to be outside. For hours. You’ll be sitting on the cold ground or in a tree, neither of which are particularly toasty. It may be windy, rainy, snowy, or all three. You are not going to enjoy this. Regardless of how many layers of Under Armour coldgear and North Face fleece you put on, how many socks you wear and how many handwarmers you stuff into your gloves, you will be cold and uncomfortable. So when your well-meaning friend assures you, “It won’t be that bad,” he’s lying. To your face. Kick him in the groin, and then prepare for the worst.

6.  If you’re lucky enough to get a deer your first time out (and if you do it is without question a result of luck) you will need to be prepared for what follows. For one, the deer doesn’t just collapse 20 feet away, waving a white flag and rolling into the body bag you’ve laid out for him. Chances are, he’ll bolt. Which means you have to wait a good hour before you can go track the blood trail. And it could be a couple miles long.

7.  When you get to the downed deer, the real work begins. It takes some effort to go from this…

…to this:

Yes, there are processing services that will take care of the meat for you. But they rarely make house calls (or woods calls). You will still have to get the animal out of the woods, and that means gutting it in the field, burying the entrails a couple feet down, and hauling it out cleanly. I’ll leave it to the experts to describe exactly how all of that happens. Visit any number of websites outlining the proper way to dress a deer.

8. Finally — and this is most important — it’s not about the deer. Well it’s not just about the deer. Hunting is much more enjoyable for beginners if they keep in mind that the trophy is second to the experience. A bad day in the woods with your favorite gun is still better than a day at the office. You’ll be out there a while — try to enjoy a few moments outside away from the Blackberry and the ever-present news ticker.