Dear Sarah Palin:
I think it’s only right to offer you some friendly advice to help you get out of the PR quicksand that is rapidly swallowing you. Look, I may not agree with you on lots of issues, but you fascinate me endlessly with the rock-star platform you’ve built for yourself, especially when everyone thought you would have disappeared into the annals of history by now as a mere footnote…or as a question on Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader?.
You’ve really impressed me. That is, until now.
You certainly don’t deserve to be blamed for every catastrophe under the sun, but it doesn’t help when you utter terms like “blood libel” (fire your speechwriter already!), and it really, really doesn’t help when you follow up with more defiance and defensive posturing (fire your advisors and whoever is ghostwriting your Facebook and Twitter posts!). Though I have to say, your “WTF” rant following the State of the Union address was classic. However, that alone has not saved me from finally reaching Palin Burnout.
And now, the media is calling for a boycott of you. That puts you in a category with the likes of Mel Gibson and companies that test their products on helpless animals!
You are better than that, Sarah! So here is the best and simplest advice I can give you:
Recently, two of my friends, who happen to be a pair of the best publicists in the country, got together with me in New York City. Between the three of us, we have handled every variety of superstar known, so we’ve earned our battle scars again and again. Over red wine and dirty martinis, I posed a simple hypothetical question to them: “If you became Sarah Palin’s publicist right now, what would you tell her?”
Without so much as batting an eye, they both simultaneously said exactly what my gut instinct would also advise you to do: “DISAPPEAR!”
Yepper, disappear. Only for a while. And only for your own good.
You need to disappear for about six months. Go radio silent (Yes, that even means temporarily abandoning Facebook, Twitter, and Greta van Susteren!), and just go away. Let the media and the public wonder where you are and what you’re doing.
And fear not, a six-month hiatus still brings you back in plenty of time for whatever 2012 plans you might have up your sleeve. Don’t be worried that Michele Bachmann (a.k.a., the “poor man’s Sarah Palin”) is going to edge in on your territory. Oh, of course, she’d love to and she’ll desperately try to, but she doesn’t have even an ounce of the charisma or command of history that you do. Therefore, take the six months to enjoy some family time, some downtime, relax, savor the sunsets over Russia on the horizon, whatever. Just stay away from any camera or reporter that might come your way.
In other words, Sarah, screw this proposed boycott. You boycott the media first. Let them beg you to come back. Believe me, beg they will! Even the “lamestream media” and the “frou-frou, chi-chi types,” as you call your detractors, will beg you to come back, and all for one simple reason: No one gives good face and cringe-worthy one-liners like you do.
Then, in about six months, emerge in a triumphant comeback via an important policy speech or a high-profile interview, and ride the renewed public frenzy wherever you wish to go…maybe even in the direction of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
I’ll miss you. But I‘ll be waiting for you when you come back. As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. And, I might add…it has a knack for extending indefinitely those fifteen minutes of headlines as well.
Peace & Love,
J.
P.S. To the contrary of what I advise you to do above, Bristol most definitely should not disappear and should not take her shocking, recent disinvite from Washington University lying down. We need to continually become more open-minded in this country and learn from one another, even if we disagree — most especially on our college campuses!
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).