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Ask Matt Labash: The Mary Katharine Ham Museum, and how to dispose of a body without getting caught

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Dear Matt,
Just curious, but when is Mary Katharine Ham going to clean out her old office here at The Weekly Standard? I mean, really — there’s piles of files and papers plus a weird menagerie of bulldog sculptures in there (and a used sports bra that an MKH admirer in Texas offered me $100 for when he heard about it — do you think I could get more for it on eBay?) Anyway, we put some boxes in there for her to use, but she’s never come by to get the hint. – Yers, Philip

This is sort of an inside question. But for readers not in the know, Philip Chalk is our design director at my home publication, The Weekly Standard.  And Mary Katharine Ham, was, until recently, a cherished member of the Weekly Standard family. That is, until she decided to take the money and run, succumbing to the enticements of all-you-can-snort cocaine, cases of grape Four Loko (before they took the caffeine out), and the fast cars and faster men which are readily offered by internet news startups, and which have become synonymous with Mary Katharine’s debauched celebrity lifestyle.

After receiving Phil’s request, I crossed the hall and visited Mary Katharine’s old office, which is just sitting there, empty, like Jesus’s tomb (O grave, where is thy sting?) Sure, she’s taken most of her treasured belongings with her: the free office supplies, her first edition of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” the “O’Reilly Factor” diorama.

But left behind – and I’m not kidding in the least – was a Mary Katherine Ham bobblehead, a yellow sports bra, and a pair of stylish heels. My first inclination was to box these up, and have them sent to the Caller offices. But then I thought: Why? These are revenue-challenged times in the journalism industry. With her legions of (mostly male) fans, maybe, just maybe, leaving these artifacts behind was Mary Katharine’s gift to us, her former colleagues. So we’ve decided to turn her old office into the Mary Katharine Ham Museum. There’ll be a five dollar admission charge for viewing, seven dollars if you want to touch something, and ten dollars if there’s anything you’d like to sniff. Visits are by appointment only.  For scheduling information, please contact Philip Chalk at .

  • blewits

    “Volume is the enemy.” God you are one sick and funny bastard!

  • jic1

    “Any amateur can eat tender thigh meat or pick ribs clean, but choking down a gall bladder does take a higher level of dedication”

    Lord Dunsany wrote a Sherlock Holmes-style short story called *Two Bottles of Relish* that dealt with that very subject. The plot depended on the idea that Brits in the first half of the 20th Century wouldn’t even consider disobeying the instructions on a jar of relish: if it said ‘for meat’, that meant it couldn’t possibly be eaten with anything else…

  • I_Walk_Alone

    Just curious, but when will Mary Kathrine Ham do a “Maxim” or “Playboy” magazine photo spread ?
    Its been awhile since I’ve had a ‘fetish’ about a SEXY ‘Conservative’ Babe…

    • E7-2521

      I’ll second that.

    • jic1

      Only if it’s a tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight photo shoot with her and S.E. Cupp.

      • callenlaw

        Or at least, BEGINS as said tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight…

    • manbearpig

      Its looking like there might be a run on those $10 tickets.

  • Michael Quinney

    Wood chipper and heavy duty Hefty trash bags.

  • A. C.

    In two words, alkaline hydrolysis.

    Google it. Takes time and can get a little hot, though (thermally, not just criminally). Grind up what little is left and spread it under the roses, it’s cheaper than buying bone meal.

  • shelby1414

    “I have a shotgun and a shovel and I doubt you will be missed”
    -from the movie Clueless

  • crustyb

    If I need to dispose of a body I put it in a bathtub, cover it with caramel and tell Rosie O’Donnell it’s a crème brûlée.

    • leeharvey418

      That’s just wrong.

      Funny, but wrong,.

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