Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: The Mary Katharine Ham Museum, and how to dispose of a body without getting caught

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Matt Labash
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      Matt Labash

      Hi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.

      For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.

      This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.

      If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”

      To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”
      To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”
      Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:

      <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

Dear Matt,
Just curious, but when is Mary Katharine Ham going to clean out her old office here at The Weekly Standard? I mean, really — there’s piles of files and papers plus a weird menagerie of bulldog sculptures in there (and a used sports bra that an MKH admirer in Texas offered me $100 for when he heard about it — do you think I could get more for it on eBay?) Anyway, we put some boxes in there for her to use, but she’s never come by to get the hint. – Yers, Philip

This is sort of an inside question. But for readers not in the know, Philip Chalk is our design director at my home publication, The Weekly Standard.  And Mary Katharine Ham, was, until recently, a cherished member of the Weekly Standard family. That is, until she decided to take the money and run, succumbing to the enticements of all-you-can-snort cocaine, cases of grape Four Loko (before they took the caffeine out), and the fast cars and faster men which are readily offered by internet news startups, and which have become synonymous with Mary Katharine’s debauched celebrity lifestyle.

After receiving Phil’s request, I crossed the hall and visited Mary Katharine’s old office, which is just sitting there, empty, like Jesus’s tomb (O grave, where is thy sting?) Sure, she’s taken most of her treasured belongings with her: the free office supplies, her first edition of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” the “O’Reilly Factor” diorama.

But left behind – and I’m not kidding in the least – was a Mary Katherine Ham bobblehead, a yellow sports bra, and a pair of stylish heels. My first inclination was to box these up, and have them sent to the Caller offices. But then I thought: Why? These are revenue-challenged times in the journalism industry. With her legions of (mostly male) fans, maybe, just maybe, leaving these artifacts behind was Mary Katharine’s gift to us, her former colleagues. So we’ve decided to turn her old office into the Mary Katharine Ham Museum. There’ll be a five dollar admission charge for viewing, seven dollars if you want to touch something, and ten dollars if there’s anything you’d like to sniff. Visits are by appointment only.  For scheduling information, please contact Philip Chalk at docent.chalk@weeklystandard.com .

  • blewits

    “Volume is the enemy.” God you are one sick and funny bastard!

  • jic1

    “Any amateur can eat tender thigh meat or pick ribs clean, but choking down a gall bladder does take a higher level of dedication”

    Lord Dunsany wrote a Sherlock Holmes-style short story called *Two Bottles of Relish* that dealt with that very subject. The plot depended on the idea that Brits in the first half of the 20th Century wouldn’t even consider disobeying the instructions on a jar of relish: if it said ‘for meat’, that meant it couldn’t possibly be eaten with anything else…

  • I_Walk_Alone

    Just curious, but when will Mary Kathrine Ham do a “Maxim” or “Playboy” magazine photo spread ?
    Its been awhile since I’ve had a ‘fetish’ about a SEXY ‘Conservative’ Babe…

    • E7-2521

      I’ll second that.

    • jic1

      Only if it’s a tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight photo shoot with her and S.E. Cupp.

      • callenlaw

        Or at least, BEGINS as said tasteful, almost fully-clothed pillow fight…

    • manbearpig

      Its looking like there might be a run on those $10 tickets.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Quinney/1619139154 Michael Quinney

    Wood chipper and heavy duty Hefty trash bags.

  • A. C.

    In two words, alkaline hydrolysis.

    Google it. Takes time and can get a little hot, though (thermally, not just criminally). Grind up what little is left and spread it under the roses, it’s cheaper than buying bone meal.

  • shelby1414

    “I have a shotgun and a shovel and I doubt you will be missed”
    -from the movie Clueless

  • crustyb

    If I need to dispose of a body I put it in a bathtub, cover it with caramel and tell Rosie O’Donnell it’s a crème brûlée.

    • leeharvey418

      That’s just wrong.

      Funny, but wrong,.

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