Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: Sheila ‘Mothereffing’ Jackson Lee, how to deal with an evil boss, and are ants communists?

Matt Labash Columnist
Font Size:

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

Dear Matt:  The Daily Caller just featured an expose of what everyone has always known about Rep. Sheila “you mothereffer” Jackson “you mothereffer” Lee.  What advice can you offer on how to deal with difficult bosses? In other words, how often does Tucker Carlson call you a “mothereffer?” Your indulgence is much appreciated.  — Sydney D. Mothereffer

I’ll take your questions in order of unsuitability due to mature themes and adult language. Tucker frequently calls me a “mothereffer.” And in retaliation, I call him “Oedipus,” because I’m sophisticated, and once took a class on Greek mythology down at the community college. When launching The Daily Caller, Tucker even tried to name this column “Ask Mothereffer.” But I refused, figuring it would only confuse readers, who’d wonder why Bill Maher was writing for him.

My first piece of advice if you have a difficult boss, is to quit and find a more agreeable boss. If you still work for a horror show like Sheila Jackson Lee after she publicly called you a “mothereffer,” then it’s time for some self-examination. Maybe she has a fair point. In which case I suggest you go to Sheila Jackson Lee’s office — entering cautiously in case she chucks a stapler at your head — to thank her for her honesty.

Many people think it’s a sign of moral inferiority to quit. To which I say they have quit – on finding a better solution. I know that as Americans, we’re supposed to be all about dogged optimism and stick-to-itiveness, and we’re not supposed to be quitters. But sometimes change is necessary. The Farrah-cut once worked for you. But you can’t wear it forever. That was yesterday’s hairstyle. Time to get a new look. Maybe “The Rachel,” which really accentuates your cheekbones. Get with it. These are the ‘90s, man.

In the event that you can’t quit, for whatever frivolous reason you have like paying your mortgage or feeding your children, here are some additional strategies for dealing with an evil boss:

1. Playing Possum – If you have a difficult boss, chances are they bring you difficult tasks, which interfere with more important office priorities such as eating lunch, emailing your friends, and finding unspeakably offensive porn sites. Your actual mission, then, is to convince your boss that you are not the man/woman for the job. So gladly accept these tasks, then prove your incompetence. After enough failures, your boss won’t entrust you with anything more consequential than bringing in cookies for National Cookie Day. Thus allowing you to get back to discovering the joys of goldenshowersbringmayflowers.com.

2. The Snitch – If there’s one thing that cannot stand in today’s workplace, it’s intolerance. Intolerant people are simply not tolerated. So in order to make yourself indispensable to management, find someone who has disparaged a woman, a minority, a physically-challenged person or a person of whiteness (white people in America will be a minority by the year 2042, meaning it’s time to start practicing more tolerance toward them). Once you locate said hater, loudly reprimand them, then report them to HR. Your boss will no longer have time to express displeasure with you, since he/she will be too busy punishing them. Will your co-workers come to resent you for putting their careers in jeopardy? Undoubtedly. But what are they going to do about it? Report you? Too late, you’ve already reported them. Wake up a little earlier if you want to get the drop on The Snitch, co-workers.

3. Respect Is A Right, Not A Privilege – Under no circumstances should you ever tolerate being called a “mothereffer.” It’s the “mother” prefix which I find particularly troubling. It harks back to a dark chapter in our nation’s history, one in which women found it perfectly acceptable to stay home and raise their children. Sure, mothers gave birth to us, and breast fed us until we were four or five (normal, right?) But the very word “mother” is so politically charged nowadays, with connotations of hausfraudom, of bon-bon eating and game-show watching and denim-jumper-wearing. Such pejorative labels are unacceptable in a place of employment. And if you work, and are additionally a mother, then you are what social scientists call “working mothers.” So demand respect from your boss, and insist on being called a “working mothereffer.”

Are ants communists? This is something I have pondered of late. They have no social hierarchy — they work completely for the cooperative community. The division of labor is done by consensus. Are ants the perfect communists? Have they reached the ultimate in utopian society? – Bill Hicks

Interesting question. One I’ve never considered. You’re like the Edward O. Wilson of Ask Matt Labash. I was trying to think of a less easy reference to a myrmecologist. But then I remembered that I don’t know any other myrmecologists. Also, I had to look up that myrmecology is the study of ants. So there was that problem, as well.

I tend not to give ants much thought unless I’m crushing them underfoot or spraying them with Raid when finding them marching out of a Funyons bag in the cupboard. But if you’re correct, and ants are indeed commies (I have noticed that many of them are red), that means I’m not just a calloused speciesist who believes in the existential supremacy of me and my Funyuns. No, I’m a freedom fighter, keeping the cupboard safe from the red menace. I’m like C. Thomas Howell in “Red Dawn.” I’m like the Ronald Reagan of my house, or something. In fact, the ants are getting off easy with Raid. They should consider themselves lucky I don’t go Strategic Defense Initiative on their pinko asses.

Wilson himself has joked of ants that “Karl Marx was right, socialism works, it is just that he had the wrong species.” But whether ants truly do represent our next serious national security threat, or are behind some commie world-domination plot, is way beyond my expertise. So I’ll forward your theory to Glenn Beck, stat. Look for yourself on the chalkboard.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” is now available in paperback from Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.

PREMIUM ARTICLE: Subscribe To Keep Reading

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign Up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
BENEFITS READERS PASS PATRIOTS FOUNDERS
Daily and Breaking Newsletters
Daily Caller Shows
Ad Free Experience
Exclusive Articles
Custom Newsletters
Editor Daily Rundown
Behind The Scenes Coverage
Award Winning Documentaries
Patriot War Room
Patriot Live Chat
Exclusive Events
Gold Membership Card
Tucker Mug

What does Founders Club include?

Tucker Mug and Membership Card
Founders

Readers,

Instead of sucking up to the political and corporate powers that dominate America, The Daily Caller is fighting for you — our readers. We humbly ask you to consider joining us in this fight.

Now that millions of readers are rejecting the increasingly biased and even corrupt corporate media and joining us daily, there are powerful forces lined up to stop us: the old guard of the news media hopes to marginalize us; the big corporate ad agencies want to deprive us of revenue and put us out of business; senators threaten to have our reporters arrested for asking simple questions; the big tech platforms want to limit our ability to communicate with you; and the political party establishments feel threatened by our independence.

We don't complain -- we can't stand complainers -- but we do call it how we see it. We have a fight on our hands, and it's intense. We need your help to smash through the big tech, big media and big government blockade.

We're the insurgent outsiders for a reason: our deep-dive investigations hold the powerful to account. Our original videos undermine their narratives on a daily basis. Even our insistence on having fun infuriates them -- because we won’t bend the knee to political correctness.

One reason we stand apart is because we are not afraid to say we love America. We love her with every fiber of our being, and we think she's worth saving from today’s craziness.

Help us save her.

A second reason we stand out is the sheer number of honest responsible reporters we have helped train. We have trained so many solid reporters that they now hold prominent positions at publications across the political spectrum. Hear a rare reasonable voice at a place like CNN? There’s a good chance they were trained at Daily Caller. Same goes for the numerous Daily Caller alumni dominating the news coverage at outlets such as Fox News, Newsmax, Daily Wire and many others.

Simply put, America needs solid reporters fighting to tell the truth or we will never have honest elections or a fair system. We are working tirelessly to make that happen and we are making a difference.

Since 2010, The Daily Caller has grown immensely. We're in the halls of Congress. We're in the Oval Office. And we're in up to 20 million homes every single month. That's 20 million Americans like you who are impossible to ignore.

We can overcome the forces lined up against all of us. This is an important mission but we can’t do it unless you — the everyday Americans forgotten by the establishment — have our back.

Please consider becoming a Daily Caller Patriot today, and help us keep doing work that holds politicians, corporations and other leaders accountable. Help us thumb our noses at political correctness. Help us train a new generation of news reporters who will actually tell the truth. And help us remind Americans everywhere that there are millions of us who remain clear-eyed about our country's greatness.

In return for membership, Daily Caller Patriots will be able to read The Daily Caller without any of the ads that we have long used to support our mission. We know the ads drive you crazy. They drive us crazy too. But we need revenue to keep the fight going. If you join us, we will cut out the ads for you and put every Lincoln-headed cent we earn into amplifying our voice, training even more solid reporters, and giving you the ad-free experience and lightning fast website you deserve.

Patriots will also be eligible for Patriots Only content, newsletters, chats and live events with our reporters and editors. It's simple: welcome us into your lives, and we'll welcome you into ours.

We can save America together.

Become a Daily Caller Patriot today.

Signature

Neil Patel