Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash: An apology to Sarah Palin, and nature vs. nurture

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here

Do you read what others (who are more informed than you are) write on the Caller website? Palin is running, so you and your lefty friends’ attacks on her designed to abort her candidacy have failed…and failed miserably. I expect an apology from you to the great Sarah Palin. Not that she will care. – Brandon Lachner

I’m not a lefty, nor do I have any friends. Unless you count my imaginary one, Mr. Beasley. But fair enough about an apology. I know I once groused in this space about the cloyingness of open letters, going so far as to write an open letter to open-letter writers, telling them to stop. So I regard the following as a closed letter. You’re forbidden from reading it. This is between me and Sarah. Okay, here goes:

Dear Sarah,

I hope you can find it in your heart  — a heart as expansive as Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun, whose ice-fogged frigid beauty splits the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs, as your wordy speechwriter once put it in your gubernatorial farewell address — to forgive me. And I hope that despite Brandon’s worries, you care that I’m asking to be forgiven. I have sinned by ever doubting you. And your fitness for our nation’s highest office. And your command of the English language. And the way you inspire loyalty in the people closest to you.

When I disparaged you before, I didn’t take into account what you mean to the people of Alaska, where despite your approval rating being around 36 percent, many would follow you to Scottsdale, Arizona, where you might be moving away from them. Nor did I consider what you mean to this country.  So that it makes sense that you would tour it by riding across it in a bus. Probably in the front of the bus. Just like Rosa Parks. Because you’re kind of like a white Rosa Parks. Except you’ve taken it so far beyond what Ms. Parks ever dreamed of. Because she just rode the bus. But you own the bus. Or at least lease it. So that riffraff like Rosa won’t try to hog all the seats/attention.

She just wanted to liberate her race, because let’s face it, she was selfish. But you are liberating all races. Standing up for the right of Americans of all colors — red, brown, black, albino, whatever color John Boehner is — to take completely pointless, yet symbolic bus tours. So that as the Treasurer of SarahPAC  told the lamestream media, you can “see how this nation was built, and get fired up about that.” Likewise, you similarly said that you have “fire in my belly.” Well I’m fired up about your fire. You can color me a Pyromaniac4Palin. I’m ready to set some crap on fire for you. Like maybe a cross in Jonathan Strong’s front yard. The flippin’ Judas.

But it makes sense that you’re going on a historical tour. Since you’re sorta like tomorrow’s history, today. Which is kind of like the present, but in a futuristic way, while at the same time, being yesterday’s news. And you have a lot in common with our forefathers. They fought against tyranny, constructed an ingenious system of government, and built the framework that for two and a half centuries has sustained our great nation. In that same tradition, you Tweet a lot. You’re kind of like our generation’s Thomas Jefferson, without all the hoity-toity elitism and dignity and stuff.

So I look forward to seeing you turn up in historical hotspots, like maybe colonial Williamsburg, which, as students of history like you know, is the place where you can take really cool tourist photos of Todd’s face in the stockade. That would be a hoot. Or maybe you could visit the historic Medieval Times in Baltimore, where Francis Scott Key famously composed “The Star Spangled Banner” while jousting for a tankard of mead. Wherever you go, I won’t be there physically. Gas is four bucks a gallon, and there’s no time, besides. I’ll be too busy fashioning my Palin hair-doll shrine which I hope to exhibit at your nominating convention. (I bought a lock of it from Brandon — he’s a collector.) But as Third Day so eloquently sang in your reality show theme song, I will, in spirit, “follow you there.” In fact, as your old patron once said of Osama bin Laden, I would follow you to the gates of hell, which is where I suspect your campaign is headed, if you ever formally launch one in between publicity tours. So here’s hoping all’s forgiven.

Your vassal,

  • semus

    Hi Matt, I’ve read some of your stuff, but I have to say I’m very disappointed with you attack on Palin. I guess you’re falling in line with some of our conservative pundits who seem to be in lock step with the left on Sarah. I wanted to say I don’t think you’ve reached political punditry yet another words you’re No George Will, whom I also can’t agree with about Palin.

  • virtualjohn

    I find it sad that with so many Americans out of work, struggling to keep a roof over their heads and eat each day that a leach like this gets paid.

  • clarkr3000

    This is the kind of smartass that you would just want to kill if you took him on a fishing trip. He is so impressed by himself. He thinks he is impressing you, but really he is just an annoying dweeb you would want to throw out of the boat after 15 mins.

  • reagantman

    When I read columns like this, I sometimes wonder if the strategy is to try to convince us that there are just way too many morons in America and that it’s just not worth wanting to govern. That to me would be the only selling point as to why Sarah Palin shouldn’t run. It would suck to live in a nation of Palin haters, RINOs and socialists. And yes, Sarah would be unworthy of leading that kind of a nation.

    Until enough people prove to me that the moron factor has gone over 50% in America, I’m still going to hold out hope. Maybe someday we will all look back on this in a better economy where we’re all better off and be thankful that we didn’t listen to the Palin hating morons. Or, maybe someday our ancestors will look back on the thousand years of darkness that Reagan warned us about because we did.

    Writer and readers, it’s up to you. Do you have the balls to win and back Sarah or are you too scared because its too convenient to follow the old tradional route. Yeah, maybe we can still get Obama out. But replacing him with business as usual will only assure that another Obama will get back in again someday.

  • southernpatriot

    Rock on, Matt!

  • Clam Diggah

    I enjoy satire in many of its forms. I enjoy listening to it or reading it. It’s kind of fun to listen to a person get screwed with relentlessly for asking a stupid question. Perhaps someone with a name like PalinPatriot4ever would say “there are no stupid questions.” But in realty, there are many stupid people that ask them. This is a forum for those folks (I being one of them) and the rest of the people out there that see this form of entertainment for what it is, good fun. If it’s not, why bother to waste your time, let alone take the time to type a complaint.

    I will admit that the first Matt Labash piece I read motivated me to send hate mail. Mail in which I kind of threatened him with violence, as his work threatened me with violence, something about a punch to the troat for eating his fun I think.

    Matt actually wrote me back. The correspondence was genuine and sympathetic to my anger. However, in the end, the guy reminded me that his stuff is meant to be jovial, albeit barbed and often times rude. With that said their is a market for this type of thing in todays day and age and by reading his work and commenting here you PalinPatriot4ever have supported it.

    So perhaps you could lighten up a bit. Go fishing with a kid, have a few laughs at Matt’s expense and then make love to your wife. If you don’t have that in ya… really do suck as bad as your comments make you sound.

  • PalinPatriot4ever

    I have no idea what or who this Matt Labash guy is, but from reading this so called letter, he seems to be a sarcastic bottom feeding lowlife, who has no idea what Honor Integrity, Respect, Humility, and Decency even means, let alone having any of it himself. I wouldn’t ever bother reading another one his lowlife Tripe filled garbage hit pieces, that’s for sure..

    He is typical standard trash, that seems to permeate American Society’s denigration and fall into the liberal abyss of indoctrinated unconscienceness..

  • semus

    Boy these lefties are really afraid of Sarah.

  • DrTesla

    Does the Daily Caller think having some ugly guy in Matt Labash front and center using liberal talking points to ridicule Palin is the best way to grow an audience? This kind of thing isn’t going to pay the bills.