The real reason Chris Christie took himself out of the race

Two weeks ago, Jim Downey wrote the sketch below for “Saturday Night Live”. In it, Downey, who has worked on the show since 1976 and written many of SNL’s funniest and best informed political pieces, imagines why the New Jersey governor decided not to run for president. The sketch never aired, but it’s worth reading.

GOVERNOR CHRISTIE COLD OPEN ~ Bobby/Kristen V.O.

(OPEN ON: STILL FF: NEW JERSEY STATE SEAL)

KRISTEN (V.O.)(1/4”)

The following is a special address from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

(DISS. TO: BOBBY, AS CHRIS CHRISTIE IN NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR’S OFFICE. HE IS WEARING A FAT SUIT, SEATED IN A WING CHAIR [A LOOK SIMILAR TO THE BLOOMBERG PIECE FROM JIM CARREY SHOW])

BOBBY

Good evening. I’m Governor

Chris Christie of the state of

New Jersey.

(SUPER DEKO L/3: NEW JERSEY GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE [REP])

BOBBY (CONTD)

Over the last several months,

you’ve probably heard a great deal

of speculation about whether or

not I would seek the Republican

nomination for President in 2012.

Although I have repeatedly stated,

in very clear language, that I did

not wish to be a candidate at this

time, supporters around the country

have still continued to urge me to

run. At first, their enthusiasm

was very flattering. But lately,

their unwillingness simply to

take “no” for an answer has really

started to piss me off. Tonight,

for the last time, I

hope to make it absolutely

clear, that I do not want

to run for President in 2012,

BOBBY (CONTD)

and that it would be a very

bad idea for Republicans to

make me their candidate.

Here are my reasons: First, I

do not particularly believe in

American exceptionalism.

(SUPER DEKO L/3: 1. I DO NOT PARTICULARLY BELIEVE IN AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM)

Now don’t get me wrong. I have

nothing against the United

States. It’s a perfectly fine

country. For one thing, it has

New Jersey, which, if it were a

separate country, would without

question be the greatest nation

in the history of mankind. But

taken as a whole, the U.S. is

really nothing special, and I

frankly don’t see why anyone

would want to be its President.

BOBBY (CONTD)

Unless, maybe, as a stepping-stone

to the presidency of some

other country, like Italy, or

Staten Island. Which, I realize,

is not a separate country, but

probably should be. The second

reason why I can’t run for

President is that, to be perfectly

honest, I have Mob connections.

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