Entertainment

Robert Pattinson asks Kristen Stewart to move out after she cuckolded him

Taylor Bigler Entertainment Editor
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Less than a week after Us Weekly and People magazine unearthed a scandal the likes of nothing we have ever witnessed about Kristen Stewart’s vehicular infidelity, her longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson has asked her to move out of his Los Angeles home.

On July 17, a non-sleazy photographer* hid behind a tree and used a telephoto lens to snap photos of Stewart in the arms of Rupert Sanders, her married-with-two-kids “Snow White and the Hunstman” director.

When Us Weekly went to print with the photos of the tryst on July 25, fallout from the “day that will live in ‘Twilight’ infamy” — yes, the tabloid actually alluded to the Pearl Harbor attack when describing the situation — included very dramatic public apologies from Stewart and Sanders.

But so far, the scorned Edward Cullen has been silent. “Sources close to Pattinson,” however, have been very vocal.

“The entire thing has been such a blow to Rob. Talk about having his heart ripped out,” an anonymous source, who is of course not affiliated with Pattinson’s PR team in any way,* told People. “Rob just isn’t going to be able to get past the cheating – one time or not.”

Since Pattinson’s heart was ripped out, naturally, he has asked Stewart to move out of his home. On Saturday, a U-Haul truck was seen at the residence, presumably to move out the contaminated belongings of the deceitful strumpet.

In yet another bombshell, Sanders’ brother-in-law is mouthing off to UK tabloids with details of the affair. Rather than the “momentary discretion” Stewart referred to in her statement, Leopold Ross (can we really take him seriously with a name like “Leopold”?) says that the affair went on for “months.”

“It was from the last half of filming [of “Snow White and the Huntsmen”] and all through post-production, clear into last week,” Ross told The People.

Neither Pattinson nor Stewart have been seen or heard from since the transgression, so there is no way to determine if any of this is true. In the meantime, we’ll just all keep speculating about people who we have never — and will never — meet.

*Denotes sarcasm.

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Neil Patel