This deadly serious press conference is the most accidentally hilarious thing you will see all day, and maybe all week.
Alexander Broughton, a (former) member of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity at the University of Tennessee, was rushed to the hospital last Thursday after consuming a copious amount of the ultra-classy boxed wine Franzia. He wound up with a blood alcohol content level of .40 — five times the recommended limit.
Local news reports immediately surfaced that the frat bro was engaged in “butt chugging,” an allegedly real thing kids these days do to get drunk very quickly.
Butt chugging really needs no explanation, because it is exactly what it sounds like: A person ingests alcohol from an orifice that is not the mouth, and thus alcohol is absorbed more quickly into the bloodstream. Basically, it’s like mainlining alcohol via the rectum.
Pi Kappa Alpha was swiftly banned from campus, and the fraternity’s lawyer attempted to do damage control by holding a wildly unnecessary press conference Monday afternoon at UT.
Every minute of the following video is well worth watching. Firstly, the elderly lawyer in a bow tie, Daniel McGehee, says the phrase “butt chugging” six times during the eight-and-a-half minute video. (At one point, McGehee says that the inaccurate story has spread across the entire “United Nations.”)
Secondly, the first thing he comes out swinging against is not the fraternity’s banishment, nor the poor kid’s tarnished reputation, but rather his sexual orientation.
“Mr. Broughton [the accused butt chugger] denies each and every allegation whatsoever that has been infered that he may have been a gay man. He is a straight man,” McGehee says. “And he thinks the idea and concept of butt chugging is repulsive.”
The entire fraternity stands behind the McGehee and Broughton in what must have been some sort of wager — First person who laughs on-camera has to butt chug Franzia! – is how we like to imagine this went down.