Here’s the post where I talk about election results, I hope


Remember that election where it came down to one guy’s vote? I hope that doesn’t happen again. One way or the other, I hope it’s decisive. Tonight. Enough already. It’s time to start the 2016 campaign.

I’m not going to do a livechat, but I’ll update this post if and when something interesting happens that I’ve got anything to say about. I’ll update in reverse chronological order, newest entries first. Sound good? Good.

So that starts at 7. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty good about this whole thing. I’ve been a fan of the next President of the United States ever since her stirring rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”


2:23 Well. Congratulations to our friends on the left. Have a great night.

2:10 And now the beautiful magic unicorn has ridden through & taken the last four years with it. Clean slate. Well, except for killing Bin Laden.

1:58 And just before closing, he brings up “there are no red states and blue states” again. Orwellian.

1:57 He really is pretending the last four years never happened. So I guess they didn’t. That’s how it works now.

1:52 “A decade of war is ending.” Libyan ambassador Christopher Stevens could not be reached for comment.

1:50 Hasn’t he given this speech before? Has he given any other speech before?

1:44 Obama on his daughters: “I’m so proud of you. But I must say for now, one dog is probably enough.” So he and Michelle are both concerned about overeating.

1:42 This is the speech of a man who hasn’t been president for the last four years. But I guess that’s why they call it doublethink.

1:19 You know who this helps? The estate of Ayn Rand.

12:56 Romney’s conceding. He doesn’t get to be president, but at least he’ll no longer get the blame for any more of Obama’s problems. Probably.

12:48 Romney has called Obama to concede. Okay, everybody, you can stop hating Mormons now.

12:43 A lot of talk about how Obama needs to bring the country together now. Gee, I don’t know why I’m skeptical that he’s capable of doing that. Oh wait, I remember: the last four years.

12:39 I think during the breaks, Shep Smith has been partying with Diane Sawyer. He’s also very cranky about Romney not conceding. Sounds like he just wants to go nite-nite.

12:20 And the moral of the story is…

12:01 This result is disappointing for a lot of people reading this, but please don’t lose like a liberal. Have some dignity.

11:41 Romney’s not conceding until all the Ohio votes are in. I’m not holding out any hope, but if their roles were reversed, do you really think Obama would’ve conceded yet?

11:30 Breathe a sigh of relief, ladies. Now Mitt Romney can’t give you cancer because he hates vaginas and hates you because you have vaginas.

11:19 So. Biden ’16, right?

11:14 Yep, that’s it. Congratulations to Barack Obama.

11:10 Hey guys, long lines are racist.

10:47 I want Jake Tapper to ask Diane if she can touch her nose.

10:42 Diane Sawyer just tried to say “anecdotally.”

10:37 George Stephanopoulos can’t reach the bottles on the top shelf, so Diane Sawyer is making do with well drinks.

10:31 Minnesota goes to Obama. It just occurred to me that I haven’t heard anything from Al Franken in a while. It’s been nice.

10:21 ABC literally just interrupted a guy in the middle of a sentence about how he hasn’t had power in a week, in order to tell us Obama won New Mexico.

10:20 Romney 163, Obama 157. A young lady on ABC News in Times Square is saying she really likes Obama’s foreign policy. So clearly she only watches ABC News.

9:57 Ladies and gentlemen: Chicago.

9:52 FNC is calling it for Warren. Take that, Custer.

9:46 I don’t know what’s going on with Elizabeth Warren. Also, it looks like she really did win?

9:45 Pelosi. Gavel. Denied.

9:37 153-153. Big Bird is on the edge of his nest.

9:30 Or maybe Warren hasn’t won. Twitter speaks with forked tongue?

9:13 In an inspiring victory for Native Americans and people who pretend to be them, Elizabeth Warren has won the Massachusetts Senate race.

8:53 Robert Gibbs says if you have friends still in line to vote, bring them some dinner and some water. Also good advice if you know anybody on Staten Island.

8:43 Eric Cantor wins. And is a handsome fellow. What? Just sayin’.

8:36 Woman Wearing MIT Shirt Banned From Voting In Boca Raton. Can you guess why?

8:31 Will we stop hearing “It’s too close to call” anytime soon? It’s too close to call.

8:27 Whoa. I never noticed the resemblance.

8:14 Finally, an Obama speech I actually want to hear.

7:58 Another Obama mural at a polling place. Which is illegal, but y’know. Laws. I like this one because Obama is making the sun shine down on penguins. You’re welcome, penguins.

7:51 FNC is calling Georgia for Romney. Guess the Rev. Joseph Lowery’s endorsement didn’t work.

7:41 Election rules? What election rules?

7:36 Check out the Daily Caller’s interactive election map. And, y’know. Interact with it.

7:31 Dan Rather: “Something in my gut tells me that it’s going to be a good day for Romney.” But it could be true anyway.

7:25 Truly we live in an age of wonders. Before Twitter, you might go a whole five minutes on Election Day without getting psychotic death threats against the Republican.

7:17 David Freddoso: “Romney puts Kentucky’s 8 electoral votes in his binder!”

7:11 Unless you’ve been in a coma for the last four years, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that tonight Obama is hanging out with the pastor who said all white people are going to Hell. (He says he was just joking, though. “Burn in Hell, cracker! j/k lol”)

7:06 Obama is “wistful.” I guess it wouldn’t be polite to call it narcissistic self-pity.

7:04 Bernie Sanders won? In VERMONT???

7:02 Romney projected to win my home state of Indiana. Obama won last time. You fooled us once, Barry.

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