Now that disaffected Americans in all 50 states have petitioned the Obama administration for the right to secede from the United States, the door is open for far more important petitions — like a request to have a catered pizza party once Missouri strikes out on its own. (RELATED: White House “secede” petitions reach 675,000 signatures, 50-state participation)
Is it funnier that real people actually submitted these ten proposals to the White House, or that the administration has only removed one five of them fr0m public view? You tell us. (RELATED: Top 10, part 2)
And if you actually sign any of these, you have no one to blame but yourself when the really, really big changes come.
“[K]indly ignore any requests from fellow Texans asking for a withdrawal from the United States of America. … [I]t’s important to keep the rivalries between Texas and Oklahoma, the Cowboys and the NFC East, the Rangers and the Angels, and the Mavericks, Spurs and Rockets with the rest of the Western Conference alive and kicking.”
#9: North America is breaking up
“Peacefully grant the State of Canada to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.”
“The Constitution gives the citizens of the United States of America protection from butt-hurt over elections results. When this basic right is threatened not only by reality, but by math and fancy book-learning, it is only natural that we, the citizens of the United States stand to defend them. … I pray the government of the United States of America peacefully allow for America to be America and stuff.”
#7: A counter-balance to unemployment
“In the name of Consumer Protection, recent college graduates should have the ability to return the diploma and not make any reference to receiving education from the college in exchange for a 100% refund of college tuition. This may be extended with a graduated (ha, get it?) reduction for the last four years, with a red line at January 20, 2008.”
#6: Secretary of Food Awesomeness
Oh dear … It looks like the White House finally found this one and yanked it. Either that or Biden say Fieri’s most recent review in The New York Times.
“[D]emand Joe Biden be Guy Fieri’s sidekick on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. In 2016, Joe Biden will no longer be Vice President. It is time to bring his affable, personable, tell-it-like-it-is attitude to the gnarliest food show on TV. Fieri in his Camaro. Biden in his Trans Am. This is Money.”
#5: Planning ahead for the Tarkin administration
“As a trusted member of the Imperial Senate, we the delegation of Alderaan are asking that as a sign of good faith toward the will of the people of the galaxy, the Empire respect our wishes and allow Alderaan to peacefully exit the empire, acting as a model for other star systems to follow should they freely choose. We trust that the Emperor still listens to reason and to the people, and we certainly hope that the arrival of this new small moon that has just started orbiting our planet is a sign of hope and prosperity for all the citizens of Alderaan.”
#4: Meet Attorney General Sylvester Stallone
“This is a petition to dissolve the current legal system and replace it with a single Hall of Justice, run by Judges: motorcycle-riding law officers who act as police, judge, jury, and executioner.”
#3: This is one way to push through a tax increase
(Editor’s note: There is no proof that Grover Norquist got a “friend” to have this yanked from the White House website. Probably.)
“Peacefully grant the people of the United States of America to have Grover Norquist be brought forth in chains and put in a public pillory. Once Grover Norquist has been secured, anyone who wishes will be allowed to punch him once, and only once, square in the dick.”
#2: Gov. Gary Johnson is still annoyed about coming in third
(Editor’s note: This one is no longer available on the White House website, for reasons that we can’t quite fathom.)
“legalize crystal fucking weed. SOOOOOO $TONED FUCK MAN AW $HIT NIGGA HELLA MOTHA FUCKING 666 ODD FUTURE MAN BRO CHECK THIS OUT MY SWAG WITH THE WHAT WHOLE 666 420 $$$$ HOLLA HOLLA GET DOLLA SWED CASH FUCKING MARIJUANA CIGARETTES GANGSTA GANGSTA EAZY-E C.R.E.A.M. SO BAKED OFF OF THE BOBMARLEY GANJA 420 SHIT PURE OG KUUSSHHH LEGALIZE CRYSTAL WEED.”
#1: Come for the iron throne, stay for the incinerated penises
(Editor’s note: Los Angeles comedian Duncan Trussell submitted this one himself. Really.)
“Make Duncan Trussell the Emperor Of Planet Earth. We petition the Obama administration to construct an iron throne made of meteorites and incinerated pope penises upon which the new emperor of planet earth Duncan Trussell can reign supreme. Attached to the throne should be a surgical straw connected to an endless quantity of fresh fetal stem cells upon which our Lord may suckle as the people of the world petition him for mercy or offer him their children and livestock.”
