Entertainment

Top 10 questions and answers from a real-life mall Santa

David Martosko Executive Editor
Font Size:

A professional mall Santa let it all hang out during an “Ask Me Anything” interview on the popular social media website Reddit, discussing Santa disasters, techniques for handling difficult kids and his most bizarre moments on the job.

For more than three hours on Monday, the fake-beardeded Alex — first name only — answered questions from readers. As proof that he’s a genuine mall Santa, he provided a photo and a copy of a Facebook chat log in which he was offered, and accepted, a job at a shopping mall “in Marion.”

“I live in Columbus,” he said in that chat log. The Westfield Marion Shopping Center is in the Columbus, Ohio metropolitan area. So if you’re in the neighborhood, drop in and sit on Alex’s lap.

Here are the ten best Q&A entries from this real-life entertainer:

#10. Ever been peed on?
Not yet … I can’t wait for it to happen. It’s a right [sic] of passage.

#9. Have you ever gotten a boner while doing your job?
Closest I got was when two 22 year olds kissed me. But Santa never pops a chub. … Basically two girls thought it would be funny to try and get Santa turned on. They sat on my lap (big no-no for anyone over 13) and kissed me real quickly. Then my elves (basically my managers) told them they would have to go.

#8. I just want an NHL season. Can I get that Santa?
I’m sorry but not even I can make [NHL commissioner Gary] Bettman see reason.

#7. Has anyone ever said out loud that you’re not real?
Some asshole brother told his little sister I wasn’t real. To prove to her I was really Santa I performed some magic. (slight [sic] of hand).

#6. Whats the weirdest thing a kids asked you for? What do most kids ask you for?
Most asked is a baby doll. Weirdest was for an AK-47.

#5. What is the most depressing or obnoxious thing that a kid has asked for?
Depressing thing = A new daddy … I asked her why (to make sure she wasn’t being abused or anything like that). She said “Daddy won’t let paint on the walls.”
Obnoxious thing = a vuvuzela.

#4. I know all the Santas at malls aren’t the ACTUAL Santa, but do you have any communication or training from Real Santa? Or is it just some video sent to all malls from him (presumably from the North Pole), talking about what it takes to be the REAL Santa?
The big man usually has a podcast that we have to listen to weekly. You also have to interview with his boss if you want a promotion.

#3. Was there a problem you encountered a lot that made you go “I’M SANTA, I SHOULDN’T BE DEALING WITH THIS NONSENSE”?
Having to have a mall security to walk everywhere. I can’t see SHIT! So I have an escort walk with me in case some teen wants to jump me. Oh — and when I saved someone’s life.

#2. TELL US …
I am a nurse, You need to know this to understand why I did what I did. I work in a pretty White Trash mall. Plenty of teenagers who think they are tough and get into it at the mall. So one year two guys started picking on a kid. I couldn’t yell at them as Santa because I had a kid on my lap. But one thing led to another and the one of the two guys stabbed the kid that was getting picked on. I broke character immediately, and ripped off my beard and wig and started to work on the kid. (Both kids ran off after they realized the severity of stabbing a kid in the stomach.) I stabilized the kid and reported off the to police and EMTs. Had to throw away that Santa suit … Rival gangs, I later found out

#1. I have control of your information systems, and can send the contents of the Naughty/Nice list to TMZ at the touch of a button. I also have Mrs. Claus in a secure location. Now that I have your attention, lets discuss the contents of MY Christmas list.
You have been a very bad boy… Expect coal and a visit from my “special” elves. But you can keep Mrs. Claus. She is always busting my jingle bells.

Follow David on Twitter

PREMIUM ARTICLE: Subscribe To Keep Reading

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign Up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
BENEFITS READERS PASS PATRIOTS FOUNDERS
Daily and Breaking Newsletters
Daily Caller Shows
Ad Free Experience
Exclusive Articles
Custom Newsletters
Editor Daily Rundown
Behind The Scenes Coverage
Award Winning Documentaries
Patriot War Room
Patriot Live Chat
Exclusive Events
Gold Membership Card
Tucker Mug

What does Founders Club include?

Tucker Mug and Membership Card
Founders

Readers,

Instead of sucking up to the political and corporate powers that dominate America, The Daily Caller is fighting for you — our readers. We humbly ask you to consider joining us in this fight.

Now that millions of readers are rejecting the increasingly biased and even corrupt corporate media and joining us daily, there are powerful forces lined up to stop us: the old guard of the news media hopes to marginalize us; the big corporate ad agencies want to deprive us of revenue and put us out of business; senators threaten to have our reporters arrested for asking simple questions; the big tech platforms want to limit our ability to communicate with you; and the political party establishments feel threatened by our independence.

We don't complain -- we can't stand complainers -- but we do call it how we see it. We have a fight on our hands, and it's intense. We need your help to smash through the big tech, big media and big government blockade.

We're the insurgent outsiders for a reason: our deep-dive investigations hold the powerful to account. Our original videos undermine their narratives on a daily basis. Even our insistence on having fun infuriates them -- because we won’t bend the knee to political correctness.

One reason we stand apart is because we are not afraid to say we love America. We love her with every fiber of our being, and we think she's worth saving from today’s craziness.

Help us save her.

A second reason we stand out is the sheer number of honest responsible reporters we have helped train. We have trained so many solid reporters that they now hold prominent positions at publications across the political spectrum. Hear a rare reasonable voice at a place like CNN? There’s a good chance they were trained at Daily Caller. Same goes for the numerous Daily Caller alumni dominating the news coverage at outlets such as Fox News, Newsmax, Daily Wire and many others.

Simply put, America needs solid reporters fighting to tell the truth or we will never have honest elections or a fair system. We are working tirelessly to make that happen and we are making a difference.

Since 2010, The Daily Caller has grown immensely. We're in the halls of Congress. We're in the Oval Office. And we're in up to 20 million homes every single month. That's 20 million Americans like you who are impossible to ignore.

We can overcome the forces lined up against all of us. This is an important mission but we can’t do it unless you — the everyday Americans forgotten by the establishment — have our back.

Please consider becoming a Daily Caller Patriot today, and help us keep doing work that holds politicians, corporations and other leaders accountable. Help us thumb our noses at political correctness. Help us train a new generation of news reporters who will actually tell the truth. And help us remind Americans everywhere that there are millions of us who remain clear-eyed about our country's greatness.

In return for membership, Daily Caller Patriots will be able to read The Daily Caller without any of the ads that we have long used to support our mission. We know the ads drive you crazy. They drive us crazy too. But we need revenue to keep the fight going. If you join us, we will cut out the ads for you and put every Lincoln-headed cent we earn into amplifying our voice, training even more solid reporters, and giving you the ad-free experience and lightning fast website you deserve.

Patriots will also be eligible for Patriots Only content, newsletters, chats and live events with our reporters and editors. It's simple: welcome us into your lives, and we'll welcome you into ours.

We can save America together.

Become a Daily Caller Patriot today.

Signature

Neil Patel