Opinion

Why I have no sympathy for Steven Crowder

So Steven Crowder got cracked in the head by a union guy last week, and though the scene was chaotic, there are two things we know for certain: 1) The left is still as violent, thuggish and hypocritical as ever; and 2) As our friends at Barstool sports are fond of saying, the pussification of America continues. (RELATED: The Olympic uniforms aren’t just made in China, they’re also the most pansy outfits on earth)

So in case anyone missed it, we’ll lay out the low down: Basically, the folks in Michigan got tired of being a rusty, third-rate, has-been shit hole, so they passed a law saying that a man doesn’t have to join a union to work. Well, the unions didn’t like that too much, so they took to the streets and made much ado about whatever. Enter: Our cast.

In the red corner, Mr. Crowder: A pro-Right to Work activist who wanted to know why the union bros were so angry. In the blue corner, a fat walrus-looking union bro with a hot temper. So Mr. Crowder asks Mr. Walrus Bro what his deal is, and Mr. Walrus Bro — confused and frightened by a question he can’t answer — hauls off and cracks Mr. Crowder in the mouth.

Up to this point, Mr. Crowder is soundly in the right, while Mr. Walrus Bro is in full-blown man-child mode. But a great poet once said, “You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house/And if you’ve got a glass jaw then, bitch, shut your mouth,” and that pretty much applies here, because, in the seconds after the punch was thrown, and then in the days after the entire incident, Mr. Crowder broke man code, and he broke it big.

Man Code Violation #1: Never run from a punch (especially from a fat walrus-looking union bro).

Yes, we saw the video. Mr. Crowder was surrounded by a lot of slobbering idiots, and they were all hopping mad. He got cracked, and he was a little bewildered. His adrenalin went into overdrive, and his brain stem took over. Now, this is a good thing for an untrained man in a street fight. As a dutiful columnist who has been in untrained street fights up and down the Eastern Seaboard; has been expelled for losing; has been suspended for winning; and has fought mobs in two countries, this guy knows that the brain stem is a lot better at these things than the frontal lobe. The problem with Mr. Crowder’s is instead of fight, his inner animal went for flight.

The great American hero Johnny Cash once sang, “I was taught to turn the other cheek, but Teddy used to say/Walk soft and pack a big stick, but never walk away.” And Cash was right.

Now picking a fight with a mob of walrus bros would have been stupid, and Mr. Crowder recognized this, but he recognized this too late. So before he fancies himself a hero, we’re going to pass on some wisdom our fathers told us: Don’t let one’s mouth write checks one’s body can’t cash. And in this case, Mr. Crowder did just that.

But in the days after the bro-down, he told us that his body was perfectly capable of cashing this check, even challenging his opponent to a mixed martial arts cage fight (as is the habit of guys who lose fights). But standing there, in the real ring, on the day of the real fight, Mr. Crowder looked into Mr. Walrus Bro’s beady little eyes, saw something that frightened him, and chose to turn tail and issue his rematch challenge from the safety of a television studio. In short, he lost without ever putting up a fight.

This action is in direct violation of Man Code, but we know the feeling. One night, a fat skinhead picked a fight with this guy while he was surrounded by said skinhead’s gang. This guy stood his ground, but chose to not hit back. There’s no pride in that and we know it. But if there’s one saving grace, it’s this: We don’t think it was cool and we don’t think it was popular, we sure as hell didn’t put it on YouTube and we’d be damned if we thought it gave us the moral high ground. Which brings us to our next transgression.

Man Code Violation #2: Lose with grace (and not on TV).

And here’s where the real crime occurs. Because as any fighter knows, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, but may we fall on our swords before we lose in front of our friends, forget about our girlfriends; and may¬†God have mercy on our souls if we lose in front of our friends, our girlfriends and the whole damn country because we’re on TV claiming righteousness.

There’s a word for this, and it’s “victimhood.” It essentially entails being the victim in a circumstance, and using that circumstance to claim the moral high ground and wash away everything else.

It’s an effective left-wing tactic, but unlike some of their other tactics, which have been replicated and furthered by conservative trench fighters since the ’60s, victimhood is a devil’s bargain. The left has used it to explain away everything from riots to racism to treason, and while it has won them political victories, it has also contributed a hefty chunk to the destruction of American communities and the moral and intellectual bankruptcy of their philosophy. In short, the right would be wise to avoid it.

Conservative icons from Ronald Reagan to John Wayne recognized that a key aspect of American greatness is our victory culture. We sent the British running, conquered the West, routed Europe and then saved it because we felt like it. We watch cowboys and Indians on the TV, play contact sports, eat red meat, drink strong ale and play our music loudly.

What we don’t do is decline a dance with a fat walrus-looking union bro, and what we definitely don’t do is brag about it if we do.

Now don’t get us wrong: We’ve won and we’ve lost, we’ve stood and we’ve scrammed, and we’ve lived to see another day, as Mr. Crowder surely will. But don’t miss the point, either: Man the hell up. This battle for the soul and future of America isn’t a refereed sporting event where we tweet our bumps and bruises — it’s a down and dirty street fight, and the left knows it.

So stiff upper lip, Mr. Crowder, and stand fast: This could be our finest hour.

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