Why I have no sympathy for Steven Crowder

So Steven Crowder got cracked in the head by a union guy last week, and though the scene was chaotic, there are two things we know for certain: 1) The left is still as violent, thuggish and hypocritical as ever; and 2) As our friends at Barstool sports are fond of saying, the pussification of America continues. (RELATED: The Olympic uniforms aren’t just made in China, they’re also the most pansy outfits on earth)

So in case anyone missed it, we’ll lay out the low down: Basically, the folks in Michigan got tired of being a rusty, third-rate, has-been shit hole, so they passed a law saying that a man doesn’t have to join a union to work. Well, the unions didn’t like that too much, so they took to the streets and made much ado about whatever. Enter: Our cast.

In the red corner, Mr. Crowder: A pro-Right to Work activist who wanted to know why the union bros were so angry. In the blue corner, a fat walrus-looking union bro with a hot temper. So Mr. Crowder asks Mr. Walrus Bro what his deal is, and Mr. Walrus Bro — confused and frightened by a question he can’t answer — hauls off and cracks Mr. Crowder in the mouth.

Up to this point, Mr. Crowder is soundly in the right, while Mr. Walrus Bro is in full-blown man-child mode. But a great poet once said, “You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house/And if you’ve got a glass jaw then, bitch, shut your mouth,” and that pretty much applies here, because, in the seconds after the punch was thrown, and then in the days after the entire incident, Mr. Crowder broke man code, and he broke it big.

Man Code Violation #1: Never run from a punch (especially from a fat walrus-looking union bro).

Yes, we saw the video. Mr. Crowder was surrounded by a lot of slobbering idiots, and they were all hopping mad. He got cracked, and he was a little bewildered. His adrenalin went into overdrive, and his brain stem took over. Now, this is a good thing for an untrained man in a street fight. As a dutiful columnist who has been in untrained street fights up and down the Eastern Seaboard; has been expelled for losing; has been suspended for winning; and has fought mobs in two countries, this guy knows that the brain stem is a lot better at these things than the frontal lobe. The problem with Mr. Crowder’s is instead of fight, his inner animal went for flight.

The great American hero Johnny Cash once sang, “I was taught to turn the other cheek, but Teddy used to say/Walk soft and pack a big stick, but never walk away.” And Cash was right.

Now picking a fight with a mob of walrus bros would have been stupid, and Mr. Crowder recognized this, but he recognized this too late. So before he fancies himself a hero, we’re going to pass on some wisdom our fathers told us: Don’t let one’s mouth write checks one’s body can’t cash. And in this case, Mr. Crowder did just that.

But in the days after the bro-down, he told us that his body was perfectly capable of cashing this check, even challenging his opponent to a mixed martial arts cage fight (as is the habit of guys who lose fights). But standing there, in the real ring, on the day of the real fight, Mr. Crowder looked into Mr. Walrus Bro’s beady little eyes, saw something that frightened him, and chose to turn tail and issue his rematch challenge from the safety of a television studio. In short, he lost without ever putting up a fight.

This action is in direct violation of Man Code, but we know the feeling. One night, a fat skinhead picked a fight with this guy while he was surrounded by said skinhead’s gang. This guy stood his ground, but chose to not hit back. There’s no pride in that and we know it. But if there’s one saving grace, it’s this: We don’t think it was cool and we don’t think it was popular, we sure as hell didn’t put it on YouTube and we’d be damned if we thought it gave us the moral high ground. Which brings us to our next transgression.