Opinion

My Polish massage: a story with a moral

Alex B. Berezow Editor, Real Clear Science
Font Size:

Everyone likes a good massage, especially if it’s cheap. Whenever I visit my in-laws in Poland, I always make sure to take advantage of the good exchange rate and the lower cost of labor: A 60-minute, full-body massage is priced at just over $38. As that famous Kazakh, Borat, would say, “Very nice!”

The massage therapist I visit is a middle-aged woman who is a former psychologist. She also happens to be built like a truck driver and has a mightily strong grip. Apparently, at some point, instead of talking to her clients, she decided it would be much more fun to rough them up a little. It was a wise career move; she’s excellent at her job.

Massages in Europe aren’t like the ones in the United States. In the States, you are allowed to take all of your clothes off, but the entire bottom half of your body is tucked under a bed sheet. Not so in Poland. Instead, they give you a towel to cover your crevice and/or appendage. The rest of your body is left uncovered, and in my case, vulnerable to the vice-like grip of the She-Beast.

After disrobing and climbing onto the table, my masseuse sets a peaceful mood with some New Age music. As I listen to the soothing tunes of the synthesizer, I try to relax. But, my masseuse has other ideas. She knows I don’t speak Polish very well, so she tries to educate me with a few grammar lessons. That usually goes well enough, until she starts asking me questions. That’s when the massage gets a little weird.

She’s very much into alternative medicine. Being a scientist, I know that most of it — with only a few exceptions — is a load of garbage. I usually have back pain, and one technique she tried involved lightly brushing my back with her hand, like she was dusting away cookie crumbs. Then, she walked out of the room, supposedly taking the pain with her. Obviously, it didn’t work, but it was a great deal for her: She got to rest outside the room and bill me for the entire hour, while I lay naked on the table wondering what’s going on.

But that was harmless compared to what happened another time. That was when my lack of knowledge of the Polish language caused me physical pain. I’m always ashamed to admit to her just how little I understand of what she says, so I generally feign understanding and typically respond to any question with, “Yes.” Sometimes I throw in a “no” just to mix things up a bit. I wish I had said no to this question.

Unbeknownst to me, my massage therapist asked for permission to use what I now believe to be some sort of medieval torture device on my back. It felt like a toilet plunger, and the powerful suction it caused left enormous hickies all over my back that turned purple. I looked like I had gotten beaten up by a bunch of soccer hooligans. And as you might have guessed, my back wasn’t cured.

The moral of the story? Don’t automatically say, “Yes,” whenever your Polish massage therapist asks you a question you don’t understand. Because you might just walk out in far more pain than when you came in.

Alex B. Berezow is the editor of RealClearScience and co-author of the new book Science Left Behind. His articles have appeared in CNN, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and The Economist, among other outlets.

PREMIUM ARTICLE: Subscribe To Keep Reading

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!

Sign Up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
Sign up

By subscribing you agree to our Terms of Use

You're signed up!
BENEFITS READERS PASS PATRIOTS FOUNDERS
Daily and Breaking Newsletters
Daily Caller Shows
Ad Free Experience
Exclusive Articles
Custom Newsletters
Editor Daily Rundown
Behind The Scenes Coverage
Award Winning Documentaries
Patriot War Room
Patriot Live Chat
Exclusive Events
Gold Membership Card
Tucker Mug

What does Founders Club include?

Tucker Mug and Membership Card
Founders

Readers,

Instead of sucking up to the political and corporate powers that dominate America, The Daily Caller is fighting for you — our readers. We humbly ask you to consider joining us in this fight.

Now that millions of readers are rejecting the increasingly biased and even corrupt corporate media and joining us daily, there are powerful forces lined up to stop us: the old guard of the news media hopes to marginalize us; the big corporate ad agencies want to deprive us of revenue and put us out of business; senators threaten to have our reporters arrested for asking simple questions; the big tech platforms want to limit our ability to communicate with you; and the political party establishments feel threatened by our independence.

We don't complain -- we can't stand complainers -- but we do call it how we see it. We have a fight on our hands, and it's intense. We need your help to smash through the big tech, big media and big government blockade.

We're the insurgent outsiders for a reason: our deep-dive investigations hold the powerful to account. Our original videos undermine their narratives on a daily basis. Even our insistence on having fun infuriates them -- because we won’t bend the knee to political correctness.

One reason we stand apart is because we are not afraid to say we love America. We love her with every fiber of our being, and we think she's worth saving from today’s craziness.

Help us save her.

A second reason we stand out is the sheer number of honest responsible reporters we have helped train. We have trained so many solid reporters that they now hold prominent positions at publications across the political spectrum. Hear a rare reasonable voice at a place like CNN? There’s a good chance they were trained at Daily Caller. Same goes for the numerous Daily Caller alumni dominating the news coverage at outlets such as Fox News, Newsmax, Daily Wire and many others.

Simply put, America needs solid reporters fighting to tell the truth or we will never have honest elections or a fair system. We are working tirelessly to make that happen and we are making a difference.

Since 2010, The Daily Caller has grown immensely. We're in the halls of Congress. We're in the Oval Office. And we're in up to 20 million homes every single month. That's 20 million Americans like you who are impossible to ignore.

We can overcome the forces lined up against all of us. This is an important mission but we can’t do it unless you — the everyday Americans forgotten by the establishment — have our back.

Please consider becoming a Daily Caller Patriot today, and help us keep doing work that holds politicians, corporations and other leaders accountable. Help us thumb our noses at political correctness. Help us train a new generation of news reporters who will actually tell the truth. And help us remind Americans everywhere that there are millions of us who remain clear-eyed about our country's greatness.

In return for membership, Daily Caller Patriots will be able to read The Daily Caller without any of the ads that we have long used to support our mission. We know the ads drive you crazy. They drive us crazy too. But we need revenue to keep the fight going. If you join us, we will cut out the ads for you and put every Lincoln-headed cent we earn into amplifying our voice, training even more solid reporters, and giving you the ad-free experience and lightning fast website you deserve.

Patriots will also be eligible for Patriots Only content, newsletters, chats and live events with our reporters and editors. It's simple: welcome us into your lives, and we'll welcome you into ours.

We can save America together.

Become a Daily Caller Patriot today.

Signature

Neil Patel