The smart money says John Boehner will almost certainly be re-elected speaker of the House Thursday.
That’s not to say he’s done such an outstanding job. But there doesn’t seem to be a credible candidate willing to challenge him.
Nonetheless, some activists have confidently declared the votes are there to oust Boehner; that someone else — though it’s not clear who — will emerge and win the speakership.
And if this savior is not to be found in the House, he or she will be found outside of it. Nothing says the speaker of the House has to be an elected member of the House, after all.
In the unlikely chance that a consensus emerges to boot Boehner on Thursday, The Daily Caller has dutifully come up with a list of possible candidates to lead the GOP in the House in the 113th Congress.
The Soup Nazi
If House Republicans are looking for someone who won’t cave to President Barak Obama, the Soup Nazi from “Seinfeld” is their man.
First, his soups are irresistible. Think about it for a moment. Be strategic. If he were to bring a soup to the White House in his first meeting with the president and then refuse to provide more unless the president agreed to concessions, could the GOP not make some serious gains?
Additionally, he is a man of tradition — not necessarily Burkean, but more “Fiddler on the Roof.” In his soup shop, he is the master. He wants things the way he wants things. And if people don’t follow his rules, he throws them out. He sometimes even bans them for life.
Might not this man of order throw President Obama out of his own Oval Office if he feels Obama has not upheld the standards he expects of a president? I know it sounds unlikely, even implausible, but then again, so do many things before they happen. Who expected the Arab Spring? Did anyone predict the sudden success of Jeremy Lin? Who thought a guy like Ed Schultz would not only not be homeless, but host his own TV show?
I’m just saying. The Soup Nazi may be a legendary speaker — if the House GOP caucus will just give him a chance.
Watch the Soup Nazi work his genius:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J02RdkvI6zoBob Ryan
What if I were to tell you the Republicans could get a legendary Hollywood dealmaker to represent them in the House? Now would that be something you might be interested in?
I thought so. Look, let’s talk straight: Ryan has downsides, no question. For starters, he’s not a real person — he’s a fictional character from the TV show “Entourage.”
However, there is nothing that says the speaker of the House has to be a real person. Nothing. And while Ryan often appeared grossly incompetent on the show, after being humiliated, he ultimately got the last laugh.
Perhaps he would help the GOP last laugh in its negotiations with Obama.
Watch Ryan in action:
“B1” Bob Dornan
Bob Dornan was one of the most colorful House members in history. And by colorful, I mean totally insane.
Known for making outlandish and offensive statements, the Vietnam vet became the butt of jokes.
So why bring him back to the House as speaker?
For starters, he’s unpredictable: You never know what might come out of his mouth. In one respect, this is a horrible quality in a speaker. But in another respect — well, it’s still a horrible quality for a speaker.
And yet, he would keep the opposition on its toes: His sheer nuttiness could make it difficult for Democrats in Congress and the White House to strategize against him.
Watch Dornan in all his glory on the House floor:
Joseph Kony
This may seem like a strange choice, but stay with me here: In 2012, a big international campaign was launched to raise awareness of the Ugandan war criminal with the hope that he would be tracked down and captured. Unfortunately, he remains at large.
So, you’re still wondering, why make him speaker of the House? Well, maybe if he’s appointed speaker he will actually come to Washington to assume the post. When he’s here, we can finally get him. And Republicans can declare a real policy success.
After that, back to the drawing board to find a new speaker.
