The Assumption of Al: 3 reasons Al Gore is the greatest progressive in all the known world
It’s 2013 and Al Gore is in the news again.
This time not simply because he’s selling his cable station, but because in doing so, he has attained the glory he always sought: cementing his status as the greatest progressive in all the known world, towering above such giants as actress Jane Fonda, reporter Helen Thomas and Enron adviser Paul Krugman.
And by cementing, we mean transcending, because for all their chumming around with communists, hating Jews and loving government power, none of the others has achieved the stunning heights of relativism, hypocrisy and evangelism that Mr. Gore has. And despite all that warming (and his impressive girth), he does it all without breaking a sweat.
But this is the modern age and there are procedures, so before we rush to the apotheosis of Mr. Gore, let’s review his many, many miracles here on this earth, condensed into a trinity of miraculous acts:
#1) The Miraculous Act of Relativism
On Jan. 2, 2013, Mr. Gore and his partners sold their baby — an unsuccessful cable station where liberals like Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer went to die — for $500 million. (RELATED: Cenk Uygur is more popular than Rush Limbaugh, says Cenk Uygur)
Though we were all surprised to hear the whopping half-a-billion dollar price tag, what caught our attention most keenly was the buyer: The Qatar-funded Al-Jazeera news channel where terrorists and their supporters go to say neat things like the Holocaust was Allah’s “divine punishment” on the Jews. (RELATED VIDEO: Top Al-Jazeera host said Jews deserved Hitler, Holocaust)
So far, putting the whole letting-the-Muslim-Brotherhood-into-40-60-million-American-homes thing is more than a trifle annoying, but on a whole this deal isn’t any huge crime against humanity. After all, in a press release defending his decision, Mr. Gore wrote, “broadcast media is a business, and being an independent content producer in a time of increasing consolidation is a challenge.” The stakes are heightened, however, by news that conservative media mogul Glenn Beck broke: He tried to buy the network but was rebuffed, with the folks at Current saying “the legacy of who the network goes to is important to us and we are sensitive to networks not aligned with our point of view.”
So while we hate to judge before all the facts are in, it sure looks like Mr. Gore wasn’t just thinking business, he was thinking who could carry on his channel’s progressive legacy. And, in keeping with progressive tenets, an American conservative is not that carrier — an anti-American news station run by foreign royalty in support of Islamic fundamentalism is. (RELATED: Al-Jazeera seen as using Al Gore to bolster network’s legitimacy in United States)
But while a gold star in moral relativism may get Mr. Gore a bust in the progressive pantheon, it hardly makes him the greatest progressive in all the known world. But don’t worry — there’s more.
#2) The Miraculous Act of Hypocrisy
While pretty impossible to rationally explain, progressives embracing Islamists — despite their hatred of women, homosexuals and democracy — is hardly new ground.
And while Mr. Gore’s jet-setting lecture circuit (see: #3) isn’t new ground either, his sale of Current to Al-Jazeera really takes it to a new level.
Because after his failed 2000 presidential run, Mr. Gore styled himself as a sort of celebrity evangelist for the dangers of climate change, the wonders of green technology and the evils of fossil fuels. But none of that seems to have weighed too heavily on his conscience when he sold his company to a company whose owner — the state of Qatar — oversees an economy almost entirely based on fossil fuels.
We understand that Mr. Gore didn’t want to accept any of that dirty jeans money, but we wonder how quick he would have been to accept a dime from Koch Industries — which, for the record, doesn’t even do its own drilling.
Is there a problem with accepting money made from oil? Of course not. Oil is what makes the world go ’round. Is there a problem with spending the last decade railing against that very same oil (and money), only to turn around and accept a reported $100 million of it? Not if one is a progressive — then it’s another gold star on the bicycle helmet. (RELATED: Matt Damon’s anti-fracking film funded by Arab oil men)
And speaking of $100 million, the Al-Jazeera deal went through on Jan. 2, 2013 — just two days after the government raised taxes on Americans everywhere. One might assume that Mr. Gore designed it that way so that he could ensure that he paid his “fair share,” but not so, we’re afraid.
Reports indicate that Gore had hoped to sell the network before the midnight deadline for the fiscal cliff, thereby avoiding paying higher taxes. In doing so, he joined the ranks of Sen. John Kerry, Rep. Barney Frank and Jar Jar Binks creator George Lucas, earning yet another accolade on the path to the Assumption of Al. (RELATED VIDEO: ‘Patriotic millionaires’ demand higher taxes, but unwilling to pay up)
#3) The Miraculous Act of Evangelism:
To believe in something is well and good, but since before the days of St. John the Baptist, throwing on some rough cloth and walking barefoot through the desert to spread the good word raises the stakes.
Well, Mr. Gore doesn’t quite do that, but he does do the next best thing: The father of four forsakes the comfort of his Tennessee pool and mansion to fly around the planet on a private jet preaching on the evils of using too much energy and having too many kids.
But fear not, Mr. Gore, because not only is hypocrisy a stone on the road to reverence, so too is preaching. From Woodrow Wilson to Fidel Castro to our college professors, preaching is a mandatory step toward secular sainthood, and not to be shied from.
A quick YouTube search reveals an excellent example of Mr. Gore’s homily: a 20-minute speech in Europe that quotes ancient prophets; intones cosmic and apocalyptic language; compares his struggle to World War II (more than once); and bitterly mentions his 2000 loss to President George W. Bush, all in the search for mankind attaining a “new consciousness” and decreasing its carbon footprint. (RELATED: Keith Olbermann and Al Gore: the secret emails revealed)
Speaking of carbon footprints, we would be remiss not to mention that Qatar — the new owner of Current TV — boasts the highest per-capita carbon footprint of any state in the world.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
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