The Assumption of Al: 3 reasons Al Gore is the greatest progressive in all the known world

It’s 2013 and Al Gore is in the news again.

This time not simply because he’s selling his cable station, but because in doing so, he has attained the glory he always sought: cementing his status as the greatest progressive in all the known world, towering above such giants as actress Jane Fonda, reporter Helen Thomas and Enron adviser Paul Krugman.

And by cementing, we mean transcending, because for all their chumming around with communists, hating Jews and loving government power, none of the others has achieved the stunning heights of relativism, hypocrisy and evangelism that Mr. Gore has. And despite all that warming (and his impressive girth), he does it all without breaking a sweat.

But this is the modern age and there are procedures, so before we rush to the apotheosis of Mr. Gore, let’s review his many, many miracles here on this earth, condensed into a trinity of miraculous acts:

#1) The Miraculous Act of Relativism

On Jan. 2, 2013, Mr. Gore and his partners sold their baby — an unsuccessful cable station where liberals like Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer went to die — for $500 million. (RELATED: Cenk Uygur is more popular than Rush Limbaugh, says Cenk Uygur)

Though we were all surprised to hear the whopping half-a-billion dollar price tag, what caught our attention most keenly was the buyer: The Qatar-funded Al-Jazeera news channel where terrorists and their supporters go to say neat things like the Holocaust was Allah’s “divine punishment” on the Jews. (RELATED VIDEO: Top Al-Jazeera host said Jews deserved Hitler, Holocaust)

So far, putting the whole letting-the-Muslim-Brotherhood-into-40-60-million-American-homes thing is more than a trifle annoying, but on a whole this deal isn’t any huge crime against humanity. After all, in a press release defending his decision, Mr. Gore wrote, “broadcast media is a business, and being an independent content producer in a time of increasing consolidation is a challenge.” The stakes are heightened, however, by news that conservative media mogul Glenn Beck broke: He tried to buy the network but was rebuffed, with the folks at Current saying “the legacy of who the network goes to is important to us and we are sensitive to networks not aligned with our point of view.”

So while we hate to judge before all the facts are in, it sure looks like Mr. Gore wasn’t just thinking business, he was thinking who could carry on his channel’s progressive legacy. And, in keeping with progressive tenets, an American conservative is not that carrier — an anti-American news station run by foreign royalty in support of Islamic fundamentalism is. (RELATED: Al-Jazeera seen as using Al Gore to bolster network’s legitimacy in United States)

But while a gold star in moral relativism may get Mr. Gore a bust in the progressive pantheon, it hardly makes him the greatest progressive in all the known world. But don’t worry — there’s more.