As a nation, we all face an incredibly difficult choice Monday night when the Alabama Crimson Tide faces off against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in the BCS National Championship game: Whom should we root for when both teams are equally detestable?
In one corner we have Alabama, the reigning national champions. Head coach Nick Saban is, essentially, the devil incarnate and reportedly one of the biggest assholes in college football, which is doubly impressive considering the fact that list is probably pretty long. Not only does he man tan, but he jumps from coaching job to coaching job so quickly you can practically see the dollar signs in his eyes.
Nobody likes it when their team loses, but Tide fans are such sore losers that they are willing to go to jail when Bama loses because they have nothing better to do. Remember good ol’ Harvey Updyke, the Bama fan who poisoned old, famed oak trees at Auburn University after the Tigers beat them in 2010? (Auburn went on to win the national championship that year.)
Bama is a talented team, there is no doubting that. But do we really want them to win their third title in four years, no matter how much they deserve it? Consider the alternative.
In the opposite corner, there is Notre Dame, a team whose fan base consists mostly of people who never went to Notre Dame (or probably any other college) and have no idea why they root for the Fighting Irish except for the fact that they may have some Irish heritage and are Catholic.
Notre Dame officials are such pompous assholes that they won’t join a football conference, which guarantees them an incredibly weak playing schedule. This is the main reason they went undefeated this season, or any other season for that matter.
Alabama has that whole sordid racist past, while Notre Dame is a Catholic institution, and therefore has to deal with all the historical baggage that comes with being part of the church. Pick the less morally deplorable history, depending on the geography of your upbringing or chosen religion.
It’s not an easy choice to make when both teams are so horribly horrible. But when considering who you want to win between two of the most awful teams in college football, you might as well pick the team that is going to win. So it’s with a heavy heart that we suggest you grab a beer (or 12), turn on your TV at 8 p.m. EST and quietly whisper just once, “Roll, Tide, Roll.”